The Amusing Reviews: Sherlock
by queenoftheoutlands
Summary: Queen is back with a new show to review... amusingly :  Enter for brilliant deductions, wonderful subtext, creepy side characters and shameless gushing praise of just about everything. Hope you enjoy!
1. Study In Pink Part One

Hello, good readers, and welcome to a new Amusing Review, for the BBC series _Sherlock _by the geniuses Steven Moffat and Mark Gatiss. I shall now stop talking about them or we will be here all day. Just be thankful I am writing this before series six of _Doctor Who_ starts.

**SPOILERS BELOW!**

So, grab your phone, magnifying glass and swishy coat of awesome, and without further ado we shall begin reviewing...

**SHERLOCK- Episode One: A Study in Pink**

**FANS OF ORIGINAL BOOKS ***knowing looks and intelligent nods*

**EVERYONE ELSE ***shrugs and eats popcorn*

**1. GUNFIRE! GOOD LORD!**

Luckily this is not without explanation, it's actually a dream and John Watson (played by Martin Freeman, again I am not going to start singing the praises of the individuals or it'll take up half the site) soon wakes up shaking and crying and all kinds of traumatised.

**AUDIENCE** *immediately feel sorry for him because he's Martin Freeman and traumatised and all on his own in a tiny, boring, brown flat*

**CINAMATOGRAPHY** *is excellent*

Watson keeps his laptop and his gun in the same drawer. That's... normal (or maybe he just has a lack of drawers in that rubbish flat)

**WATSON'S THERAPIST** *is a therapist in a TV show and will therefore be no hope whatsoever*Blog?

**WATSON ***facepalm*

**CINAMATOGRAPHY ***continues to be excellent*

**THERAPIST** You haven't written a word, have you?

**WATSON** And you just wrote 'still has trust issues'

**THERAPIST **And you just read my writing upside-down

**SCRIPT** *is already awesome*

**THERAPIST** Writing a blog will be good for you

**TEH INTERNET** Told you so!

**TEH MOFFAT** SETTING UPDATE! BOOM!

**WATSON** Nothing happens to me

**Is that a cue for some... OPENING CREDITS? (Man I love this music and the title sequence is awesome)**

**2. Time for a sudden shift in tone? Cue the creepy.**

Two random people are talking on the phone, a woman in an office and a bloke at a train station

**WOMAN** Get a cab

**MAN** I never get cabs

**WOMAN** Get. A. Cab.

**AUDIENCE** *disregard this line entirely*

**TEH MOFFAT** *evil genius grin*

**WOMAN** Love you

One of them is going to die horribly now, aren't they?

Sure enough, next thing we know the bloke has taken some pill and died writhing on the floor. Cut to two teenage boys in the pouring rain and one goes back for his umbrella... Only to also take a pill and kill himself. Cut to a woman at a party whose colleagues appear to have stolen her car keys for some unknown reason. Less than twenty seconds later, she's dead too. Wow, Moffat, that's three deaths in less than a minute. Way to creep us out.

The police are having a press conference about the third death, calling it an "apparent suicide" and that the three cases must be linked

**FEMALE POLICE OFFICER** Detective Inspector Lestrade will now take questions

**DI LESTRADE** *is Lestrade and Rupert Graves and therefore awesome without trying*

The press want to know how the suicides can possibly be linked because serial suicides don't exist. Lestrade seems sceptical as well and is looking very tired and harassed

**AUDIENCE** *immediately love Lestrade because he's tired and harassed and Rupert Graves and the press are all loud, obnoxious idiots, as the press in the media are want to be*

And then everyone in the room's phone goes off at the same time and none have an embarrassing ringtone, what are the chances?

**PHONES** WRONG, BITCHES!

And the texts come up as little words that appear next to the phones. It's cool.

**FEMALE OFFICER** Ignore that! Seriously, ignore it! Please!

**THE PRESS** *continue to be obnoxious*

**LESTRADE ***continues to look harassed*

**PHONES** YOU LOT ARE A LOAD OF IDIOTS!

**PRESS WOMAN** What if these are murders?

**LESTRADE **What the what? No, there are suicides

**SCRIPT ***subtle 'screw you' to the _Daily Mail_*

**AUDIENCE** *snigger*

**PHONES** I am MENTALLY FACEPALMING at your STUPIDITY right now.

**LESTRADE'S PHONE** You know where to find me –SH

**LESTRADE ***eyeroll*

The female police officer is not impressed, wanting Lestrade to tell "him" to stop sending everyone at their press conferences rude text messages.

**LESTRADE **If you can tell me how he does it, I'll stop it

**AUDIENCE** I'll say. Its awesome!

**3. Back to Watson, strolling/limping through the park**

**SOME BLOKE** John Watson? Hey, it's me, Mike Stanford, you know that classmate from medical school

**THIS SCENE** *is like a more subtle _Groundhog Day_*

**WATSON** *is very matter-of-fact about being shot at*

Two cups of take-away coffee later the two old friends are discussing John's issue of the only place to live being a rubbish old flat and "Harry" being useless at helping. Luckily, Stanford knows someone who is looking for a flat share. Enter Sherlock Holmes himself, flogging a corpse... Because that's normal.

Oh, and Benedict Cumberbatch has the most awesome name ever. Just saying. And he's a secret ginger. The fangirls (and this includes Molly the pathologist) immediately start paying attention.

**MOLLY **Coffee?

**SHERLOCK **Black. Two sugars. I'll be upstairs.

Burn.

Up in the lab, Sherlock is performing some kind of experiment when John and Stanford enter. John tries to make polite conversation but Sherlock is more interested in texting someone, so John lends him his phone.

**SHERLOCK** Afghanistan or Iraq?

**SOUNDTRACK** *highlights intriguing-ness of moment*

**WATSON **o_O

**STANFORD** :)

Oh, and then we up the "burn" quotient on Molly. Yeah, she gets a lot of that this series, poor gal. And then Sherlock starts listing all the reasons why John may or may not find him an irritating flatmate

**WATSON **More o_O

**STANFORD** *trying not to laugh*

**SHERLOCK** *puts on swishy coat and scarf-of-awesome whilst completely ignoring John's questions then lists off a load of information he's deduced about John... awesomely*

**JOHN** What the... o_O?

**SHERLOCK **The name is Sherlock Holmes and the address is 221B Baker Street ;)

**HALF THE AUDIENCE** *cheer*

**OTHER HALF** *eat popcorn*

**BBC TRAILER-MAKING PEOPLE** *immediately leap on that clip for use in trailers*

**STANFORD** *inwardly ROFLing*

Back at John's rubbish flat:

**CINEMATOGRAPHY **I'M STILL AWESOME!

Meanwhile:

**SOME WOMAN** *takes pill and dies*

**4. Baker Street ("It's only a model." "Ssh!") *plays the saxophone solo from the song 'Baker Street'***

The two men meet outside and make awkward small talk about Sherlock ensuring that their landlady's husband was executed in Florida (now that is a story I'd like to hear the full version of) before Mrs Hudson herself turns up to welcome them. I love that she gives Sherlock this great big hug and then just lets John in like "Oh, hi, come in."

Dramatic shot of the front door. Check.

I love the flat. It's such a mess. John's face is hilarious. Seriously, it's like he's been stuck on "o_O" mode since he met Sherlock. They have an animal's head mounted on the wall and it is wearing headphones, for crying out loud. How is that not funny? I also love that Sherlock suddenly becomes embarrassed and moves a few things around

**SHERLOCK** Erm, well, I can straighten things up... A bit *stabs letters onto mantelpiece with a knife*

**FANS OF ORIGINAL BOOKS** *fangasm*

**MOFFAT** *probably happy-dancing somewhere*

Oh, and Sherlock has a skull on the mantelpiece. Its his friend :)

**MRS HUDSON** There's another bedroom upstairs, if you'll be needing two bedrooms

**WATSON** Of course we'll be needing two bedrooms

**MRS HUDSON** *totally ships John/Sherlock anyway and berates Sherlock about the mess as if he's five and she's his mother*

John takes the opportunity to inform Sherlock that he's been doing some investigating of his own and discovered Sherlock's own website- 'The Science of Deduction'. I absolutely adore the petulant face Sherlock pulls when John sniggers about it.

**SCEPTICAL!WATSON** *is sceptical*

Sherlock's only comeback is to continue being slightly creepy. Oh good, here comes the fangirl again with a newspaper to get the plot rolling again. The police appear to have had the same idea because a police car has pulled up outside, informing Sherlock that there has been a fourth suicide.

**AUDIENCE **Well, _we_ know that already, they showed us

Lestrade has an awesome coat of his own. But that isn't important, what is important is that this time the dead person left a note.

**WATSON'S FACE** What in the name of sanity is going on?

Long pause...

**SHERLOCK **! *bounces and spins around like a child on a sugar high* Mrs Hudson, I'll be late, might need some food

**MRS HUDSON** Dammit man! I'm your landlady, not your housekeeper

**SHERLOCK** Meh *swishes off in swishy coat*

**MRS HUDSON** Oh, what the heck. John, I'll get you some tea and you rest your leg

**WATSON **DAMN MY LEG! Sorry. I'm so sorry

**MRS HUDSON** I understand, dear, I've got a hip

... Don't most people have two?

And then Sherlock suddenly turns up again, this time with gloves

**FANGIRLS** *rush off to write kinky fanfiction involving those gloves*

**SHERLOCK** Sooooo... You're an army doctor... Seen lots of violent deaths...

**WATSON** This is an elaborate ploy to make me come with you, isn't it?

**SHERLOCK** *shifty eyes*

**WATSON** Well, I'm coming. Bye Mrs Hudson!

**SHERLOCK ***still acting like an overexcited kid* The game, Mrs Hudson, is on!

**CINEMATOGRAPHY** *still made of awesome*

**5. In a taxi on the way to the crime scene and it is suddenly, inexplicably really dark. Though I guess it is supposed to be January**

**THE ATMOUSPHERE** *is awkward*

**SHERLOCK** Questions?

**WATSON** Hell yeah. Who the hell are you anyway?

**SHERLOCK** Consulting Detective. Police are stupid

**WATSON **The police don't consult amateurs

**SHERLOCK** *evidently takes offense to that statement and proceeds to trample it into the ground with the most awesomely scripted/acted/directed/soundtracked display of deduction that I think I have ever seen and which is still my favourite scene of the series so far* Amateur? I think not.

**WATSON** *overwhelmed by awesomeness*

**AUDIENCE** *static*

**WATSON** That... was amazing

**SHERLOCK** *looks genuinely and adorably surprised* Really? That's not what people normally say

**WATSON** What do they normally say?

**SHERLOCK** "Piss off"

**WRITING** *is made of win*

**SHERLOCK** Oh, and btw your limp is fake

**WATSON** Well, Harry is actually my sister

**SHERLOCK** ... damn.

How did Russell T Davis' gay agenda manage to sneak sneakily in here?

John would very much like to know what he is doing at the crime scene. Oh look, it's the female police officer from earlier

**FEMALE OFFICER** Hello, freak

How very pleasant of her. Sherlock's bored tone of voice says he's used to it. Oh, and her name is Sergeant Sally Donovan. I think the only reason why he starts deducting about her is to get on her nerves. Oh no, here comes resident smug git, Anderson. I think his walking mode is stuck on "strut". He is also attempting to look down his nose at Sherlock but this is kind of awkward because Cumberbatch is about a mile taller than anyone else in the cast.

**SHERLOCK** You're deodorant tells me your wife is away

**ANDERSON **My deodorant?

**SHERLOCK **It's for men (best delivery and facial expression ever)

**ANDERSON** ?

**SHERLOCK **You? Donovan? Implied sex, y/y?

**ANDERSON**

**WATSON** Erm...

The body is upstairs, which means a lovely shot going up through all the floorboards to the body, a woman- Jennifer Wilson- in a vibrant pink coat. For some reason, when they reach the room, Sherlock reaches out a hand like he's leaning on an invisible table.

Long pause

**SHERLOCK **Shut up

**LESTRADE **I didn't say anything

**SHERLOCK **You were thinking. It's annoying

**ME** *gigglesnort*

I love the way Lestrade looks at John and John gives him a look back like "what? I'm not his babysitter." Sherlock creeps a little closer to the corpse and the little captions are back telling us his thoughts. Oh, and the woman scratched the word "Rache" into the floor.

**FANS OF ORIGINAL BOOKS** *more fangasm*

Geez, Moffat, give them a bit of a break

**ANDERSON** She's German. _Rache_ is German for "revenge"

**SHERLOCK **Yes, thank you for your input *shuts door in Anderson's face*

HA! Seriously, can this script get any better? But now Sherlock wants John's opinion.

**SHERLOCK** This is fun

**WATSON** Fun? There's a woman lying dead

**SHERLOCK** Perfectly sound analysis but I was hoping you'd go deeper

Okay, the answer is "yes, the script can get any better". Sherlock proceeds to reiterate what he has learned to Lestrade

**IMPRESSED!WATSON *is impressed, but please would he stop randomly **_**apologising **_**(though it is adorable)?***

**SCEPTICAL!LESTRADE** *is sceptical*

**SHERLOCK **Dear god, what is it like in your funny little brains? It must be so boring. Oh, look for Rachel and where is her suitcase?

**LESTRADE **She was writing "Rachel"?

**SHERLOCK** No, she was writing an angry note in German. _Of course _she was writing "Rachel." Suitcase. Where is it?

**LESTRADE** No idea what you are on about?

**SHERLOCK** MURDER! SERIAL KILLER! YAY!

**LESTRADE** Teh heck?

**SHERLOCK **PINK! *runs off*

Leaving Watson behind to limp down all the stairs with that cane. How nice. Outside there is no sign of Sherlock but Watson is quickly cornered by Sally Donovan.

**DONOVAN **Sherlock's a creepy, psychopathic creep with no friends who gets off on hanging around dead bodies and crimes. Oh, and one day he'll probably murder someone.

**FANDOM** *rush to write dark!Sherlock fic in which he_ does_ murder someone*

**LESTRADE** Donovan! Stop creeping out the traumatised war-veteran!

Too late.

**AUDIENCE** *unfortunately miss out on shot of John staring up at Sherlock standing on a roof like friggin' Batman that was in the unaired pilot version*

And now John is being stalked by phones. Because that's normal.

**CREEPY PHONE** Hello John. I'm creepy and control CCTV cameras. Get in the car, biatch

**CREEPY!CAR** *pulls up creepily*

**WOMAN IN CAR** *is not creepy, just texting. And is not called Anthea.. And actually she is slightly creepy*

**WATSON **WHAT IN ALL HECK'S NAME IS GOING ON!

**6. Deserted warehouse containing Mark Gatiss and a pimp umbrella**

**CINEMATOGRAPHY** I'm still here and I'm still awesome!

**MARK GATISS** I'm creepy too. And posh. And I'm totally not Moriarty *shifty eyes*

**WATSON **You know, I've got a phone

**TOTALLY NOT!MORIARTY** Sherlock Holmes. Spill.

**WATSON** I barely know him

**TOTALLY NOT!MORIARTY** And you've moved in with him and now you're solving crimes together. Might we expect a happy announcement by the end of the week *totally ships John/Sherlock too*

**WATSON **Who are you?

**TOTALLY NOT!MORIARTY** His arch-enemy, apparently (but totally not Moriarty). He does love to be dramatic

**WATSON** Well, thank god you're above all that

**HIS SARCASM** *is epic*

**WATSON'S PHONE** Get your ass back to Baker Street –SH

**TOTALLY NOT!MORIARTY** *calls 221B "Two Hundred and Twenty One B" because he's Mark Gatiss and posh and has a pimp umbrella* I'll pay you for info on Sherlock

**WATSON** Why?

**TOTALLY NOT!MORIARTY **I worry about him. Constantly

**WATSON **I'm glad_ that_ wasn't creepy in the slightest.

**WATSON'S PHONE** Hurry the hell up! –SH

WATSON Anyway, not interested

Gatiss continues to creep things up by quoting what John's therapist said earlier about his having trust issues. John is unimpressed and tries to walk away but Gatiss demands a thorough inspection of John's left hand.

**TOTALLY NOT!MORIARTY** *bitchplz face... not as good as Gaius'* You have Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder in reverse

**WATSON** Okay, I really am disturbed now please go away

**TOTALLY NOT!MORIARTY** Meh. *walks off swinging pimp umbrella*

**FANDOM** *rush off to make many fanvids of not!Moriarty to Rhianna's 'Umbrella'... And fics in which he stabs zombies with it. Seriously, that exists. It's awesome*

**WATON'S PHONE** WHY ARE YOU NOT BACK HERE YET? –SH

**NOT!ANTHEA** *takes John back to his rubbish flat so he can pick up his gun*

Yes, because I bet that isn't going to be important later on...

And then not!Anthea takes John back to Baker Street. I don't think she's even texting, I think she's actually playing 'snake' or 'angry birds' or something.

**WATSON** Do you ever get any free time?

**NOT!ANTHEA** *staring at phone* Oh yeah, lots

**WATSON** *waits*

**NOT!ANTHEA** ... Bye

**ME **HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Good lord I love this script

And at the half-way point I think we'll split the episode, or it is going to be a pain to read. In the next chapter we shall hopefully have more epic lines, more laughs and more brilliant deduction from Sherlock, including the conclusion of who the murderer is (not that you lot don't already know that if you are reading this).

Hope you enjoyed this first half of my "Study in Pink" Amusing Review. I shall see you very soon :)


	2. Study In Pink Part Two

Okay, before we start part two I have two things to say

1. Thank you so, so much to everyone who has read and especially to those who have reviewed. I wasn't so sure that this was quite funny enough (especially in comparison to something like Merlin, which is easier to make fun of because it is just inherently silly anyway, whereas this is a lot more serious and they tend to lampshade a lot of stuff that I would otherwise point out in the show itself) but you have all been so lovely and reassuring and I feel much more confident about the humour now. You are all awesome and if I could give you cookies and hugs then I would give you very many cookies and hugs. *sends virtual cookies and hugs*

2. Did anyone watch Doctor Who on Saturday? I won't spoil anything (and please don't spoil it either if you mention it in a review) but... AWESOME SERIES OPENER! SQUEEEEEE I'M SO EXCITED (I wouldn't call it the overall best opener, that honour goes to "The Eleventh Hour" with "Smith and Jones" a close second but my word but it was definitely the most gripping/exciting and dammit Moffat you are evil and I want the rest of the series like... now.

But for now, at least, we have...

**A Study in Pink (Part Two)**

**7. Back in 221B, the director is doing his very best to make us think that Sherlock has possibly just taken something less than legal**

In the meantime, enjoy Benedict Cumberbatch (who looks a whole lot like what would happen if you stuck Colin Morgan and Cillian Murphy in a blender then put the resulting mixture through an Irishness-removing sieve and added about a mile more leg, plus just a dash of Alan Rickman's velvety voice) looking pretty.

**CINEMATOGRAPHY** You can thank me for that

Actually I thank the blender. That's probably how he got his name as well, by throwing some random syllables into a blender and putting the setting on "Awesome McCoolname" (will never apologise for use of TV Tropes. Ever.)

**THE JOHN FORMALLY KNOWN AS WATSON (because seriously, it's easier to type)** What in all heck's name is going on?

**SHERLOCK** Nicotine patches. It's a three patch problem

**FANS OF ORIGINAL BOOKS** *giddy*

**FANGIRLS** *busy staring into those beautiful grey-blue windows into Sherlock's soul... See, they've made me come over all poetic*

**JOHN** Hm, pretty eyes. *cough*

**SHERLOCK **Breathing's boring

Oh, dark humour, how do we love thee? Let me count the ways. Actually, I won't.

**JOHN** So, there's a reason why you dragged my arse all the way over here from the other side of London?

**SHERLOCK **Yeah. Phone.

**JOHN** ...

**SHERLOCK **Please?

**JOHN ***sigh*

We now establish that the murderer must have taken Jennifer's suitcase whilst John is ordered- with much irritation- to send a text.

**JOHN** Just met an enemy of yours

**SHERLOCK **Which one?

**JOHN** Not sure but his name definitely wasn't Mor-

**SHERLOCK** So long as you didn't take the money he offered I don't care. Btw he is very dangerous

I worked that one out. He does have a pimp umbrella. You don't mess with that.

**SHERLOCK **Hurry up with that text

Patience is a virtue my pretty-eyed dectective.

**SHERLOCK** Just send the freaking text!

**JOHN** Ye- HANG ON! You are kind of creepy, especially seeing as I am supposed to be sending this to the dead woman's phone

And then Sherlock walks all over the table and blimey his legs are long and oh look its that pink suitcase

**JOHN** Oooooh crap

**SHERLOCK** I didn't kill her, no matter what Donovan would have you believe

And now we get our shot of Batman!Sherlock on a roof looking for the suitcase

**JOHN **Wow. Why didn't I get that?

**SHERLOCK** Because you're an idiot

**JOHN ***eyebrow*

**SHERLOCK **No, no, no, don't be like that, practically everyone is. Oh and her phone is missing and the murderer has it

**JOHN **Did I just text a murderer?

**SHERLOCK** Well someone has to. (adorably petulant) Mrs Hudson took my skull

**JOHN** What?

**SHERLOCK **Dinner date?

**JOHN** WHAT?

**8. Don't worry. There is method to the madness and so we arrive at the Cafe/Restaurant of Slash-and-Awkwardness**

Does Sherlock know/has solved a case for everybody in London or something? Anyway, he's extremely lucky for a guy who isn't paid for his line of work, what with being able to eat in this place for free.

**SHERLOCK **I love serial killers

**JOHN **Why am I talking to you?

**SHERLOCK** Because I'm awesome. *goes on a rant about how the murderer "hunts in the middle of a crowd" and stuff*

**MOFFAT** *innocent whistle*

**ANGELO **Hey there! Do you and your date want some menus?

**JOHN** I'm not his date. Totally not his date

**ANGELO **ROMANTIC CANDLES!

**JOHN** ...

**OBLIVIOUS!SHERLOCK** *is oblivious*

**ANGELO ***totally ships Sherlock/John too*

Seriously, this show has only been running for fifty minutes and already its even got even more people shipping the main characters than in freaking _Merlin_. Including Moffat and Gatiss I shouldn't wonder, the rate this is going. And John's jumper is adorable. Just saying. As is his scepticism about Sherlock's "arch-enemy" and Sherlock's "well, that's dull."

**MOST AWKWARD CONVERSATION IN THE HISTORY OF AWKWARD** *ensues*

**MOFFAT** *thinks he's got away with it*

**FANGIRLS **We think not

**SHERLOCK **Married to my work

Excuses, excuses. The consulting detective doth protest too much methinks.

**SHERLOCK** TAXI! *runs off*

**JOHN** Oh dammit *runs off too, after a lingering shot of his cane leaning against the table*

**HALF THE AUDIENCE** *sees what is coming a mile off*

**SHERLOCK ***puts on flappy coat, awesomely*

**BLOKE IN TAXI** There are people staring at me. That isn't suspicious at all

**TAXI** *drives off*

And then an awesome chase scene ensues, with Sherlock and John running after the taxi and all these street signs appearing and maps in Sherlock's head and they are all "LE PARKOR!" and the taxi is all "Hey, I'm a taxi," and I want to give whoever came up with this sequence an internet because it wins. Maybe they made it this awesome to make up for the awkwardness of the previous two minutes. Oh, and Sherlock almost gets run over by a car and jumps over it, then pushes a load of people out of the way and there's this clever bit with some traffic lights and John _keeps freaking apologising at people _and just go and watch it.

**SHERLOCK ***running*

**TAXI **Hi there!

**SHERLOCK** Hi there! (ow my knees)

The man inside the taxi is, understandably, confused. Or maybe he's just American. One of the two.

**AMERICAN MAN** What the what?

**SHERLOCK** Welcome to London

**JOHN **Not the murderer then?

**SHERLOCK **Nope. Oh, and I pickpocket Lestrade's pocket when he's annoying

And now John is laughing at the jokes in the script itself.

**MOFFAT** Ha! It is so awesome that even the characters feel the awesomeness!

**SHERLOCK** And now we run again?

**JOHN** Fine

This show has more running than Doctor Who

**DONNA NOBLE** I beg to differ

(Catherine Tate for Irene Adler, anyone?)

(I literally had that though just now)

**9. And the winner of "scene most featured in John/Sherlock fanvids" is...**

JOHN AND SHERLOCK *out of breath giggling fits*

JOHN/SHERLOCK SHIPPERS *fangirling all over the place*

Erm, can we do something about those? I don't mean to be a pain but they are getting marshmallow fluff and rainbows all over the place.

**JOHN** And the point of that entire scene back there was?

**SHERLOCK** Moffat trying and spectacularly failing to hide the subtext. Oh, and me making a point

**JOHN** What point?

**ANGELO** Hey, I've brought your cane back

**HALF THE AUDIENCE** SAW THAT COMING!

**SHERLOCK **Told you your limp was fake

**ANGELO** I'm off to write fluffy fanfiction of you two now. Toodles!

**JOHN** I'm too busy stunned into silence to care, even if I am a little disturbed by that guy

The pony tail doesn't help

**MRS HUDSON** Sherlock? What have you done? They're everywhere!

What are? The fangirls? Have they been breeding again? Well, the fact that you've been going around proudly declaring you're a John/Sherlock shipper certainally didn't hel- Oh, you're talking about the police

**LESTRADE ***being awesome by just lounging casually in the armchair*SURPRISE DRUGS BUST!

**SHERLOCK** Bugger

**MRS HUDSON** They're only herbal soothers for my hip!

Well, seeing as apparently you've only got just the one.

**JOHN** Drugs? This guy, a junkie? Have you met him

**SHERLOCK** *meaningful look*

**FANS OF ORIGINAL BOOKS** *more meaningful look*

**FANGIRLS** *making icons out of meaningful look*

**JOHN** And I'll shut up then

**ANDERSON ***turns up with the most hilarious look on his face*

Which Sherlock is very not happy about and immediately goes into quotable mode.

**DONOVAN** EYES IN THE MICROWAVE!

**LESTRADE** Well, at least they're keen. Oh, and Rachel is Jennifer's only daughter

**ANDERSON** Never mind that, Mr. Psycopath has got her suitcase

**SHERLOCK **I'm not a psychopath, Anderson, I'm a high-functioning sociopath Do your research

That hilarious line done, some more info. Rachel was stillborn, so Sherlock is now wondering why it would be her name scratched into the floorboards.

**SHERLOCK** And stop trying to be witty and insulting, Anderson, you fail at both. I, on the other hand, am awesome, if socially awkward. John, if you were dying then what would you say?

**JOHN** "Please, God, let me live"

**SHERLOCK** Oh, use your imagination

**JOHN** I don't have to

And he has just verbally 'pwned Sherlock with one sentence. Thank you muchly, impressed!Queen is impressed.

**MRS HUDSON** Taxi?

**SHERLOCK** Not mine. Go away. Now can everybody SHUT UP! DON'T MOVE, DON'T THINK, DON'T SPEAK! Anderson, face the other way, you're putting me off!

HA!

**SHERLOCK **AND THAT GOES FOR THE SOUNDTRACK TOO!

**SOUNDTRACK** No way

**MRS HUDSON** But... taxi?

**SHERLOCK** ... win. Jennifer was an awesome and she's dead and her phone will lead us to the killer

**POLICE** ...

**SHERLOCK** Aw, look at you lot, you're all so vacant. Is it nice, not being me? It must be so relaxing. Her email, please John.

Wow. Even her email has "pink" in it, I am beginning to worry about this woman. But "Rachel" is her password.

**ANDERSON** So we can read her emails, so what?

**SHERLOCK** Anderson, don't talk out loud, you lower the IQ of the whole street.

Stop being so darned quotable, it'll make "best Sherlock line ever" polls so difficult! Anyway- TO THE GOOGLEMAPS-MOBILE!

**MRS HUDSON** Seriously... taxi

**SHERLOCK** Ssh!

**JOHN** Erm... The phone GPS says 221 Baker Street

Is it time for a slo mo? In which images of a taxi from various other points earlier in the episode amd all the victims play over Sherlock whilst he is thinking and that speech about the murderer being "someone we trust who hunts in the middle of a crowd" playing over the top of Lestrade's being awesome? I think it is.

**MOFFAT **And you thought it was all so insignificant. I AM TRULY A GENIUS OF TWISTS!

**CABBIE **I has pink phone

**SHERLOCK'S PHONE** Come with me

**JOHN **What's up?

**SHERLOCK** Nothing. I'm going out for some fresh air, won't be long. Just keep checking that GPS

**JOHN** Well, that isn't at all suspicious or creepy

**10. Why do you excel at making ordinary things so damned scary, Moffat?**

I mean, it's a freaking taxi, for crying out loud. Talk about making me paranoid whenever I go to London from now on.

**EVIL CABBIE** Hi there, bitch. Took you long enough to find me

**SHERLOCK** I could call the police right now

**EVIL CABBIE** You could, but there's twenty-five minutes left of the episode and I'm pretty sure everyone at home wants to know my motive and how I took the poison and that

**SHERLOCK** Add me to that list

**EVIL CABBIE** Okay then. I mean, you almost caught me earlier when you were chasing that American bloke in me cab but seeing as I'm only a cabbie I'm like the invisible man

*tries not to think about the "Invisible Man" song by Queen*

*fails*

**EVIL CABBIE** Oh, and I've got a cockney accent. And I'm creepy. And I didn't kill them anyway, I just talked to them and they killed themselves and I think you'd want to know what I said... Before you kill yourself. So I'm just going to lounge here in me cab until you inevitably get in.

**SHERLOCK **DAMN! Despite your creepiness and against my better judgement (though we have all worked out by now that I'd drop that for the solution to a mystery) you have talked me into going with you *gets into cab*

Which is more interesting characterisation-wise than in the pilot where the cabbie drugs him but doesn't give us nearly enough hurt/desperate!Sherlock.

What?

**SMUG EVIL!CABBIE** *is smug*

**JOHN** Why did Sherlock just get in that cab?

**DONOVAN** Because he's crazy

**JOHN** The phone's moved as well

**LESTRADE** *sigh* I guess we'll leave then

**JOHN (AND AUDIENCE)** *facepalm*

In the creepy cab:

**CREEPY CABBIE** I was warned about you

**SHERLOCK** By whom?

**ME** *is grammatically correct*

**CREEPY CABBIE** Not telling. But his name definitely isn't...

**SHERLOCK ***too busy noticing the cabbie looking at the picture of two children* Who'd notice me?

**CREEPY CABBIE** Got yourself a fan. And that is all I am telling you

Meanwhile, Lestrade has got sincerity and morals on his mind

**JOHN** Why in the name of Merlin's scarf do you put up with Sherlock if everyone hates him so much

**LESTRADE **Because I'm desperate, that's why. And because Sherlock Holmes is a great man and if we're lucky he might even turn out to be a good one

**MOFFAT** And there's our "deep" moment for the episode

Gah *hearts Lestrade*

**11. Cab pulls up outside some building which is actually made up of two identical buildings**

That's going to come back to haunt us later, isn't it?

**SHERLOCK** Why here?

**EVIL CABBIE** *really matter-of-factly with a shrug* It's open. *back to creepy* One thing about being a cabbie, you always know a nice quiet spot for a murder. I'm surprised more of us don't branch out

And again with the paranoia fuel. Why do I get the feeling that business for taxis went down a bit in the weeks after this was broadcast?

**EVIL CABBIE** So the choice is 1. You come with me and you kill yourself, 2. You stay here and I shoot you, 3. I walk off and you follow me anyway because you want to know what I told those people

**SHERLOCK** *sigh* Dull. *follows cabbie*

Cut to John, aimlessly wondering lonely as a cloud around Baker Street.

**PHONE GPS** Hello! I moved

**JOHN** How did I get the feeling I was going to have to end up saving Sherlock's ass? *runs off to save Sherlock's ass*

**CUT BETWEEN THIS SCENE AND THE NEXT** *is wonderful*

**CINEMATOGRAPHY** I'm not going to let you forget about me that easily

**CREEPY CABBIE** Whatever. So long as you're alright with it, Sherlock, I mean, you're the one who is gonna die here

Okay, motive explanation time. I don't want to make this too long but it is pretty good as far as motive explanations go because the cabbie really isn't interested in Sherlock's trying to get him to motive-rant or anything along those lines. Basically the conversation goes a little like this:

**SHERLOCK** *deduces something about the cabbie or his motive and explains it*

**EVIL CABBIE** Yeah, yeah, yeah, very clever now hurry up and play my game

In short:

Two pills. Identical. One poisonous. One harmless. Victim picks one and takes it. Cabbie takes other pill. Pills supplied by unknown "Sherlock fan"-

**FANS OF ORIGINAL BOOKS/ANYONE WHO KNOWS A DAMN THING ABOUT SHERLOCK HOLMES IN GENERAL** We know who it is! We know who it is (and we don't think he has a pimp umbrella)

-Do you mind? *cough* Where was I? Cabbie has brain aneurysm and could die at any moment. Unknown "Sherlock fan who may or may not be in possession of a pimp umbrella" sends money to cabbie's children for every time he survives a game. Cabbie is creepy. Sherlock is awesome, as per usual, but seems to be more than a little freaked out by the cabbie and his creepiness, which is fun to watch.

**EVIL CABBIE** Hey, you weren't expecting two pills, were you? Tee hee hee, I'm having fun. Most fun you can have with an aneurysm

It's not the best tagline ever, is it?

Just note that I am watching this properly whilst making these comments and blimey is this guy creepy.

Oh, and John is in a taxi of his own on his way to save Sherlock's ass in the meantime.

**SHERLOCK **This is all still just chance

**CREEPY CABBIE** Or maybe I'm just awesome and you are stupid

**SHERLOCK** Either way you're wasted as a cabbie

**JOHN** *arrives at the building* Damn, which one are they in?

Knew that would come back to haunt us

**SHERLOCK** Who'd sponsor a serial killer?

**EVIL CABBIE** Who'd be a fan of Sherlock Holmes?

Ooh, comeback burn

**FANGIRLS ***wave*

**EVIL CABBIE** That lot don't count

**SHERLOCK** Who? And why do you keep referring to them as "they"? Seriously, Moffat, tell me that you haven't thought this far ahead and that's actually important, please.

**EVIL CABBIE** There's a name that no one says

Voldemort?

**EVIL CABBIE** And before you ask, I'm not going to say it either. Not, time to choose

**JOHN** *running through building* Sherlock? Sherlock?

**SHERLOCK **And if I don't choose?

**EVIL CABBIE** Gun! Yay!

**SHERLOCK **Okay, then I choose the gun

**GUN** *is actually a lighter*

Aw, it didn't have a little "bang" flag, what a shame.

**SHERLOCK** Well this has been very fun, but I'll be off

**EVIL CABBIE** Then you'll never know if you made the right choice

**MOFFAT** BOOM! And you thought it was over. TEN MINUTES LEFT BITCHES!

**SHERLOCK **Damn you, Moffat *picks up bottle*

**JOHN** *running through building*

**EVIL CABBIE** *being creepy via v/o*

**SOUNDTRACK ***is awesome*

**MOST AWESOME SHOT EVER IN THE HISTORY OF EVER** *happens*

GAH! WITH SHERLOCK AND THE ZOOM IN THROUGH THE WINDOWS AND JOHN AND THE MUFFLED YELL OF "SHERLOCK" AND EVERYTHING AND ITS JUST SO AWESOME AND I LOVE IT AND I'LL SHUT UP NOW

**CREEPY CABBIE** *goading Sherlock on*

**SHERLOCK** *obviously half loving every moment and half terrified*

**SOUNDTRACK** *building*

**CREEPY CABBIE** You're not bored now, are you?

**SHERLOCK ***raises pill to mouth*

**GUNSHOT** BANG

**EVIL CABBIE** *is shot*

**BADASS!JOHN** *is badass and has a gun. You don't mess with Sherlock Holmes when badass John Watson has a gun*

**SHERLOCK** What in the name of sanity just happened?

**WINDOW ***is empty*

**SHERLOCK** Fine *goes to dying cabbie* Was I right? Did I get the right pill?

**DYING CABBIE** Not telling

**SHERLOCK **DAMMIT! Then tell me who your sponsor was.

**DYING CABBIE** No

**SHERLOCK** PAIN! *stands on cabbie's shoulder* A NAME! _NOW_! _THE NAME_!

**DARK!SHERLOCK** *immediately becomes my favourite thing ever*

**DYING CABBIE** MORIARTY! *dies and is dead*

**FANS OF ORIGINAL BOOKS/ANYONE WHO KNOWS A DAMN THING ABOUT SHERLOCK HOLMES IN GENERAL ***do little "we told you so" dance they prepared earlier*

**OMINOUS!SOUNDTRACK** *is ominous*

**12. Sherlock's got a blanket**

**SHERLOCK **Why have I got this blanket? They keep putting this blanket on me

**LESTRADE** It's for shock

**PETULANT!SHERLOCK** I'm not in shock

**LESTRADE **Yeah, but some of the guys want to take photographs

He's awesome :)

**LESTRADE** So, shooter. Any ideas?

**SHERLOCK** A few. Military handgun. Crack shot. His hand couldn't have shaken at all, but with strong moral principles and...

**INNOCENT!JOHN **Huh? What? *innocent whistle*

Aww, look at him in his fluffy jumper. How could it have been him?

**SHERLOCK** *funny narrow-eyed look in John's direction* Erm, forget everything I just said. I'm in shock, look, I've got a blanket._ And_ I just caught you a serial killer... More or less

**LESTRADE** *facepalm*

**SHERLOCK** *walks off and joins John, throwing the blanket in a police car* Good shot

**INNOCENT!JOHN** I have no idea what you are on about

**SHERLOCK** Are you alright?

**JOHN** What? He was a bastard and a serial killer and a bad cabbie

**SHERLOCK** *giggle*

**GIGGLING!JOHN** We can't giggle, its a crime scene

Damn, I love this script

**JOHN** And anyway, you are an idiot who risks his life to prove he's clever

**SHERLOCK** *adorable smile* Dinner?

**JOHN **Well, seeing as you ran away the last time I tried.

Totally a date. Oh, and Not-Moriarty just turned up again

**JOHN** Oh bugger

**SHERLOCK** Oh, not you

**GATISS-WITH-A-PIMP-UMBRELLA** And a very good evening to you too. Don't you appreciate my concern for you?

**SHERLOCK** Yes, I've been hearing all about your "concern" and I hope you noticed the inverted commas in that sentence

**GATISS-WITH-A-PIMP-UMBRELLA **Always so aggressive. Has it ever occurred to you that you and I belong on the same side?

**SHERLOCK **Oddly enough, no

**GATISS-WITH-A-PIMP-UMBRELLA **Why must you act like such a child? You know how it always upset Mummy

**JOHN** o_O

**SHERLOCK **It wasn't _me_ that upset her, _Mycroft_

**JOHN** O_o

**SHERLOCK** This is my brother, Mycroft.

And just to let you know how accurate the brotherly banter is in this script... This is kind of how my little sister and I talk to each other. Except she isn't nearly up to Sherlock's standard of wit and the banter is more female. Seriously though.

**JOHN** So, he's not Moriarty?

**MYCROFT **Of course I'm not. I've been saying that all along, haven't I? I occupy a minor position in the British Government

**SHERLOCK** Of course you do, when you're not basically running the country. Badly. Now I kind of have a dinner date. Try not to start a war before I get home, you know what it does to the traffic

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

**JOHN** So... When you say you're concerned about him you actually are concerned?

**MYCROFT** *completely genuinely* Why, yes, of course

**JOHN** Well, you didn't have to be so creepy about it

**MYCROFT **Was I?

**JOHN** *facepalm*

**FANDOM** *run off to write about the Christmas dinners*

**NOT-ANTHEA** *still ingrossed by Angry Birds on her phone*

**JOHN** I'll just... Bye

**NOT-ANTHEA** *takes pleasure in making John feel awkward*

So, it's off to the Chinese takeaway for John and Sherlock (Sherlock can always predict the fortune cookies). My guess is that the staff will immediately decide to ship them as soon as they go inside. Not a difficult conclusion to leap to, listening to their banter. And John was shot in the shoulder. Ha.

**JOHN **What are you do happy about?

**SHERLOCK** Moriarty

**JOHN** What's 'Moriarty'?

**SHERLOCK** No idea. But it would be a good name for a rock band.

As for Mycroft and the pimp umbrella (which would be a good name for a rock band):

**MYCROFT **That Watson certainly is interesting. He could be the making of my brother, or make him worse than ever. Either way, I'll have to ring Sparky the Great Slash Dragon later and tell him of a job well done. We can have come coffee and celebrate the creation of a new slash-pairing of entwined two-side-of-the-same-coin _destiny_.

**NOT-ANTHEA** Sorry, sir, I was distracted by Angry Birds. Whose _destiny_?

**MYCROFT **Sherlock Holmes and Doctor Watson

**SHERLOCK AND JOHN** *dramatic slo-mo walk away towards camera, grinning at each other*

(_**SOUNDTRACK**__ I'm still awesome!)_

**NEXT TIME**

... Erm, well, there is no next time trailer but I can promise more snarky!Sherlock, badass!John, some mysterious mysteries and hopefully some jokes that will make you all laugh lots and lots :)

* * *

><p>In the meantime: Some people have asked me about the zombie fic I mentioned in the last part (where Mycroft stabs a zombie with his umbrella). It's called "A Brief Account of Life with Zombies" by SilverPard and can be found here- <strong>fanfiction<strong>(dot)**net/s/6253167/1/** - I promise you it is hilarious and you should definitely give it a read if you enjoyed this.

**Read and Review :)**


	3. The Blind Banker Part One

Queen here, eating an ice cream, wondering what amusements shall befall me this afternoon, quietly shipping The Doctor/TARDIS, procrastinating when I should be revising for my A-Levels, quoting _Firefly _and _Portal 2_, watching far too many fanvids and beset by plot bunnies in my dreams, telling me to write hypothetical-Cumberbatch!Master stories in which River Song fails at flying planes and Rory ends up almost being sacrificed to a thing with many teeth because he's far too damn nice. But none of that is exactly relevant right here, right now, so put on some epic music and get your pimp umbrellas ready because its time for...

**SHERLOCK- Episode Two: The Blind Banker **

**(Part One)**

**1. We begin with tea. IN SLOW MOTION**

Because, as we all know, SLOW MOTION makes everything epic. Even tea.

**MUSEUM TEA WOMAN **BOOM! EPIC TEA LEAVES! BOOM! EPIC WATER!

BOOM! EPIC CHILD... Hang on...

**MUSEUM TEA WOMAN** Teapots. Glaze. Museum interesting history art stuff Blah, blah, blah MOAR EPIC SLO-MO!

**EVERYONE WHO SAW **_**THE WATERS OF MARS**_ NOOOOO! DON'T TOUCH THE WATER! STOP IT!

**MUSEUM TEA WOMAN** Hush. I am trying to make epic tea here

**EVERYONE WHO SAW **_**THE WATERS OF MARS**_ You're doomed

**UNIMPRESSED MUSUEM TEA WOMAN** *is unimpressed*

**EVERYONE WHO SAW **_**THE WATERS OF MARS**_ _Doomed_

Once the epic tea has been put away and the museum will be closing in ten minutes the Museum Tea Woman is approached by a guy who quite obviously has a crush on her because he's shuffly and awkward and wears a geeky cardigan.

**EVERYONE WHO SAW **_**THE END OF THE WORLD**_ There is something _veeery_ familiar about that wall and doorway...

**MUSUEM TEA WOMAN** Could you lot give it a rest for like, a minute? Because if you point out every connection to _Doctor Who_ we'll be here forever.

**EVERYONE WHO SAW **_**THE WATERS OF MARS **__Doomed._

**GEEKY MUSEUM GUY **Hey. I saw you making epic tea back there. It was good and nice and I liked it

**MUSUEM TEA WOMAN** Well, some objects are made to be used. To be handled

**GEEKY MUSEUM GUY** *inappropriately implicitly aroused*

**MUSEUM TEA WOMAN** Sometimes you have to look hard at something to see its value

That sounded ever so slightly Aesop-ish so I'm guessing its going to be subtley important later, y/y?

**GEEKY MUSEUM GUY** Well, seeing as you seem to like tea so much I don't suppose you want to have a drink? Not tea, obviously *mentally kicking himself*

Aw, you're awkward and geeky and you like the pretty, Aesop-spouting co-worker. One of you is probably going to die horribly.

**MUSEUM TEA WOMAN** (seriously, typing this over and over is sort of irritating, can somebody please have an actual name soon?) I'm sorry. I can't. Please stop asking

Killjoy.

**GEEKY MUSUEM GUY** *heartbroken*

**DOORS ***close. Sinisterly*

**LIGHTS ***turned off. Sinisterly

I am going to assume from the general gloominess that 1. It is night time and 2. Something dramatic and/or horrible is going to happen. The tea lady is filing things in the museum filing room or whatever the heck these things are called.

**SUSPICIOUS NOISE** *is suspicious*

**TEA WOMAN** Is that security?

On popular Television? You have to be kidding.

**TEA WOMAN** Damn, there's been no reply after about a minute. Media law dictates that I must go and investigate by myself. In the dark. Whilst everything is as creepy as possible. *sigh* Why did I decide to work in a creepy location such as a museum? *creeps out to investigate*

GAH! SLIGHTLY FLOATY CLOTH OF DOOM! And of course Media law dictates that she must pull the cloth off whatever it is covering. (Just a thought, why is it so floaty? I mean, that doesn't happen unless there's a breeze or something and IT IS INDOORS!)

**TEA WOMAN** *does as Media law dictates and pulls cloth away. Cue "Oh crap now I'm scared" face*

**Also cue...** **OPENING CREDITS!**

**VIEWERS **So, who wrote this episode then?

Well, it wasn't Moffat or Gatiss. Actually it was Steve Thompson. He wrote one of the recent episodes of Doctor Who

**VIEWERS **_The Doctor's Wife_? That was awesome!

Actually that was teh awesome of nightmare fuel called Neil Gaiman. Steve Thompson wrote _Curse of the Black Spot_.

**VIEWERS ***slight disappointment*

(I also love the way that last episode the credits went "Written by Steven Moffat, co-created by Mark Gatiss" and this time it's "Created by Steven Moffat and Mark Gatiss, written by Steve Thompson." Don't ask me why, it just amuses me.)

**2. John Watson, as he is want to do, is shopping**

**SELF-SERVICE CHECKOUT** Unexpected item in bagging area

**JOHN **What the what?

Meanwhile in 221B Baker Street:

**SHERLOCK** SWORDFIGHT WITH MYSTERIOUS-BUT-IMPRACTICALLY-DRESSED-SWORD-ASSASSIN-BLOKE!

Yeah. That happens.

**SELF-SERVICE CHECKOUT** Item not scanned. Please try again

**JOHN **Oh bugger

**SELF-SERVICE CHECKOUT** Hurry up. There is a queue

**JOHN** o_O

Self-service checkouts are creepy

**SWORDY-ASSASSIN-BLOKE** I cut your throat

**SHERLOCK** Erm, no

**TABLE ***is scratched* OW!

Tsk, tsk, Sherlock. Mrs Hudson is not going to be happy with you.

**SELF-SERVICE CHECKOUT** This is six-items or less, bitch

**JOHN **Please shut up

**SELF-SERVICE CHECKOUT** Give up. Go away. You are dumb. Don't believe me? Here. I'll put you on. (_high pitched voice_) Hello! (_normal voice_) That's you! That's how dumb you sound!

**JOHN** Fine. Keep my shopping. My god, you're creepy

**SELF-SERVICE CHECKOUT** Good for you. I hope you have a really nice day. (_sarcastic clapping_) Oh, good. My slow clap processor made it into this thing. So we have that.

**JOHN** O_o

Meanwhile, there is still swordfighting going on.

**SWORDY-BLOKE** *swording*

**SHERLOCK** Behind you! *points*

**SWORDY-BLOKE** *looks*

**SHERLOCK **BOOM! FACEPUNCH!

**SWORDY-BLOKE** *unconscious*

**SHERLOCK** Wow. It actually worked... Except now there's an unconscious body on my sofa *disgusted sniff* Now what to do with aforementioned body?

Well, it's gone by the time John gets back without any shopping. And Sherlock's reading. And there's a really bloody loud motorbike or lawnmower or something outside.

**SHERLOCK **Hello... Erm, I notice lack of shopping

**JOHN** Yes... I had a row. In the shop. With a chip-and-pin machine... Sort of. It sat there and I shouted abuse

Best. Delivery. Ever.

**JOHN **It was creepy at me

**SHERLOCK **And you wonder why I don't understand normal people. Borrow my card.

**JOHN** Well you could get off your skinny backside and go shopping yourself, lazy

**SHERLOCK **Hm... *flashback to swordfight... for some reason. Yeah, no idea why that was there* Hm, pointless flashback memories. *hides katana under chair, loudly*

**JOHN **And you've scratched this table. Somehow. I think you might secretly be a cat or something

Later- as is made clear by 1. A transition, 2. Sherlock's moved to the laptop and 3. John's got some shopping now- Sherlock seems to have received a rather interesting email

**JOHN **Oi. Have you stolen my computer?

**SHERLOCK** Yes. You might want a better password.

**JOHN** ... I'll have that back then *snatches laptop*

Ooh dear, John. The adorable petulant face is back. John's more occupied with bills.

**JOHN **Need to get a job

**SHERLOCK** Dull

**ME ***empathises with both sides of conversation*

**SHERLOCK **Bank. Now.

Sherlock chooses the weirdest locations for dates.

**JOHN **I thinkmy o_O face is starting to become permanent

**3. Big Fancy Bank of Fancypants-ness and things that are shiny**

**LONDON ***is preeeeeeety*

**CINEMATOGRAPHY** APPRICIATE ME!

Oh, we do, so long as you are highlighting the delicious cheekbones of teh Cumberbatch.

**JOHN** *is in awe of a bank. For some reason*

**SHERLOCK** *busy looking pretty on an escalator*

Flashy stuff of flashiness is v. flashy, as Sherlock does observe. Enter floppy-haired-pompous-rich-twitface-who-knew-Sherlock-in-Uni-and-reminds-me-of-Lester-from-Primeval-somewhat.

**FHPRTWKSIUARMOLFPS** *is actually called Sebastian... Hm, Floppy-haired-pompous-rich-twitface fits better somehow* Sherlock Holmes. I am patronising and pretend to like you and be all friendly when it's actually pretty clear that I despised/picked on/was annoyed by/was scared of you.

**SHERLOCK **This is my friend, John Watson

**SEBASTIAN **_Friend_?

**JOHN **Colleague

**SEBASTIAN ***jumps on the Sherlock/John shipping bandwagon*

**SHERLOCK** How was the flying? Around the world? Twice? In a month?

**SEBASTIAN **Stop doing the creepy thing. How the heck are you supposed to know that?

**SHERLOCK **Chatting with your secretary. Which, by the way, is actually another pretty good way of discovering who you'd been shagging the previous night. And it's not creepy, it's awesome.

**SEBASTIAN **Ha, ha, ha, aren't I sarcastic? Anyway, we've had a break in

Jump cut to the office of the former chairman, on which someone has left some fetching yellow graffiti. Sebastian twitface shows Sherlock and John the security footage... But wait a second, if they have the security footage then why doesn't it show the actual intruder, just the graffiti randomly appearing.

**SEBASTIAN **Anyway, here's some money. Tell me what the security issue is and I'll give you another cheque

**SHERLOCK** No thank you, biatch *struts off*

**JOHN ***major eyeroll* He's kidding. (inwardly: PLEASE GIVE ME THAT MONEY! PLEASE! I NEED IT!)

Sherlock busies himself taking pictures of the graffiti (and continuing to look pretty in a focused-and-sort-of-concerned way). Then he goes out onto the balcony for some fresh air. Yeah, I advise those with crippling fears of heights to stay away from this sequence, its making _me_ dizzy and I don't mind heights that much.

And now... Hide and Seek.

I am finding it very hard to keep a straight face. I think the same is true of everyone working in the bank. OH LOOK! IT'S THE RANDOM SEXY EXTRA! YAY! (yeah, one of the bank workers has been labelled Random Sexy Extra by various fanvids on youtube ;) _Mmm_. He's biting his lip. Definitely trying not to laugh at Sherlock's crazy antics). There is also lots of swishy panning and stuff. Did JJ Abrams take over directing for a minute? WATCH OUT FOR TEH LENSFLARES!

He soon finds what he is looking for and steals a nametag. Because that's... useful.

And now tis time for Sherlock to explain how he really knew Sebastian twitface had taken a trip around the world. Twice. In a month. Sherlock is all smugly smiling whilst he explains and it is good and nice and I like it. Apparently it has something to do with the date and time set on his watch, which is a new brand...

**SYLAR** Well, I could have told you that

NAFF OFF! Sheesh, why does he have to invade every amusing review I do?

**SYLAR **Well,1. Because I'm awesome and 2. I didn'tinvade the _Star Trek_ one... _much_. As to how I sneak sneakily in here, you shall never know. Mwahaha! Mine is an evil laugh.

Well, don't let the door hit you on the way out. And take Russell T Davis with you before he gets his hands on any more of these scripts.

**SHERLOCK** Do you lot quite mind? I am trying to be awesome here. The graffiti was a message.

**JOHN** Message for who?

**SHERLOCK** Pillars

**JOHN** o_O

**SHERLOCK** It's for Edward Van Coon, the only person who could have seen the message properly from his desk and he was working at night just after the message was left

And now we has a nice little scene breaker via bus passing by and I think its time I went on to a new scene as well, don't you?

**4. Getting into Van Coon's (SUCH A POSH NAME) flat, however, is easier said than done**

Because there is no one at home. No problem, the person who just moved into the flat above can help. Sceptical!John is sceptical. Cue Sherlock trying to be normal.

**SHERLOCK** *weird grin into little camera and odd posh accent thing* Hi there. I live in the flat under yours

**WOMAN** Erm, right, you're slightly creepy but I'm not going to judge seeing as I've just moved in and haven't met you

**SHERLOCK** *gives John an "I told you so" look* I sort of locked my keys in my flat, can you buzz me in?

**WOMAN **Erm...

**SHERLOCK **And can I use your balcony?

**WOMAN **O_o

**JOHN** Never, ever, ever try to act normal again. You look and sound like you plan on caving someone's head in with a blunt instrument.

Sherlock is liking balconies today. This is the second in under fifteen minutes. Complete with another shot looking down towards the street (though this one isn't as high as the last one). Now tis time for some jumping, as Sherlock lowers himself down from one balcony to the one underneath it in order to break into Van Coon's flat, which is nice and neat and posh and nice. And has books. By the way, watch this with foresight of the end of this episode and take a look at that pile of books again, you'll spot something :) I love it when directors do that.

And Van Coon has an awful damn lot of champagne in his fridge. Sheesh, man, how much do you need?

Actually, I don't really want that question answered. And by the way Sherlock, John would very much like to be let in now. Please. Thank you. Anyone?

**SHERLOCK ***busy breaking into Van Coon's bedroom*

**JOHN** Well, don't I feel appreciated? *go sarcasm*

**SHERLOCK** *breaks open door to Van Coon's bedroom*

Aaaaaand, Van Coon is dead. Lying on the bed, bullet in head, gun lying by his hand (damn, that didn't quite rhyme completely).

**JOHN** Suicide?

**SHERLOCK** Don't think so

**JOHN** Oh dear.

SHERLOCK *searching through Van Coon's suitcase* Been away three days, packed something tightly inside the case

Why are suitcases always so important in this series?

**JOHN **Righty ho. Whatever you say. I'm not desperate to root around some bloke's dirty underwear

**SLASH FANS** *disappointed*

**SHERLOCK **The message was a death threat

And Van Coon has something black and weird in his mouth. Because that's... just lovely. Enter random policeman who, I will say, is wearing quite a cool trenchcoat (trenchcoats are cool).

**SHERLOCK **Sergeant... Erm, where's Lestrade

**AUIDENCE **We want to know the same thing!

**NOT LESTRADE** Busy being awesome somewhere else. (translation: Rupert Graves is busy filming something else) And I don't like you very much, I'm just going to get that out there. And it's Detective Inspector.

**STEVE THOMPSON** *hopes he got away with handwave of Lestrade's absence*

**UNIMPRESSED!SHERLOCK** *is unimpressed*

**NOT LESTRADE** And I'd like to have that evidence that you pulled out of the victim's mouth now please. And it's totally suicide

**SHERLOCK** It's never suicide

**JOHN ***facepalm*

SHERLOCK Well, for a start I am not entirely sure how a left handed man is supposed to shoot himself in the right side of his head without being amazingly double-jointed and having gorilla arms

**NOT LESTRADE** o_O

**SHERLOCK ***goes on to explain how he knews Van Coon was left handed, even stopping to ask John if he should continue, being told not to and carrying on anyway. Because that might be breaking Grice's Maxims of quantity and manner (ENGLISH STUDENT-NESS FTW!) but it is damn funny. Conclusion: its murder*

**NOT LESTRADE** O_o

**JOHN **Yeah, you get used to that after a while

**NOT LESTRADE** Well... I still hate you

**CIMEMATOGRAPHY** I use mirrors for interesting effect

Yes. Yes, you do.

**5. Back to Twit-face eating pudding in posh restaurant of purpleness**

**SEBASTIAN TWITFACE** Ha, ha, ha amusing story about some nonsense or something

**SHERLOCK** I'm sure whatever you're talking about it really hilarious if you're a pompous twitface. "Meeting" my arse. And Van Coon was threatened and is now dead, so put your pudding away.

In the bathroom, Sebastian is suddenly very remorseful, as the employers of murder victims in television are want to be. And Van Coon used to work in Asia. I'm sure that won't come back to haunt us later.

**JOHN** Who'd want to kill him?

**SEBASTIAN** All of us have enemies

**JOHN **Well yeah, I met Sherlock's arch enemy and he was a creep with a pimp umbrella who threatened me with Holmes family Christmas dinners. Not all of us end up with a bullet through the temple

**SEBASTIAN** Well, the police say its suicide and you freak me out so I'm leaving now

**SHERLOCK** Dammit. Not-Lestrade is an idiot

**JOHN** ... I thought bankers were all supposed to be heartless bastards

Ha, ha, ha, topical joke.

**LONDON** *is still preeeeeeety*

**GUY ***too busy running to take in the scenery*

I'm sorry, have they suddenly accidentally spliced in footage from _Doctor Who_? Because this is seriously reminding me of a pre-credits sequence... Some guy running away, looking back over his shoulder all panic-y, heavy breathing and such. Even the camera following him is like the POV of a monster. And then he turns round and it goes close up and a blackout.

All it needed was a scream at the end. Then I'd know they'd accidentally mixed up the _Sherlock _and **Doctor Who** footage in the editing room.

**6. In the Museum... Hey, I'd almost forgotten about that place**

**EVERYONE WHO SAW **_**SILENCE IN THE LIBRARY**_OMG! OMG! IT'S THE FREAKING LIBRARY! DOOMED! EVERYONE IS DOOMED!

Oh Moffat, you think you can fool us with your strategically placed desks of artefacts and lighting that is actually normal daylight and stuff but we can all see very clearly that it's the same location. You don't fool us.

Besides, it's kind of hard to disguise a location that's so noticeable. You know, architecturally (is that even a real word?)

Geeky Cardigan Guy from the pre-credits sequence is hanging around, being informed that 1. he needs to go and pick up some Ming vases at auction (that bit isn't entirely important unless you're watching this for the third, in my case, time and have a sudden Fridge Brilliance moment considering those vases) and 2. Soo Lin, who I assume is the Tea Woman of Epic Slo-Mo Tea Making, has resigned for some reason.

She isn't at home either, or just isn't answering or something, so he leaves her a note.

Poor geeky cardigan guy.

**7. But enough of the plot. Its time for a pointless subplot in which John gets a job... And a girlfriend**

**SHERLOCK/JOHN SHIPPERS **WHAAAAAAAAT? *arm themselves with pitchforks and torches*

Martin Freeman is still adorable in this scene though.

**LOVE INTEREST OF DOOM aka. SARAH** (huh? Not Mary?) It might be a bit... mundane for you

**JOHN** Yes. Please. Mundane. Want.

Whatever. More pretty Sherlock musing about the code whilst resting his chin on his fingertips. Which, I'll have you know, is something that I do a lot now since watching this series. Its all Sherlock's fault. Damn drama lessons and their "you have to have a gesture for your character" and the way they make you mimic stuff. It bleeds through into real life. But that's another rant.

**JOHN **Hello. Got a job. Met a pointless love interest

**SHERLOCK **I said 'could you pass me a pen?'

**JOHN** *looks round adorably as if there's someone else in the room or something that he missed* What, when?

**SHERLOCK **About an hour ago

'Scuse me whilst I giggle. And John chucks Sherlock a pen and he catches it, which is quite cool though I'd like to know how many takes it took (why doesn't this DVD have an outtake reel?) And John, here's a tip: Don't start digging holes when you talk about love interests, sure as I am that Gwen would like some company down there. Meanwhile, Sherlock has been musing about the second death, which must (obviously) have been the work of the same person who shot Van Coon. And this victim is a journalist called Brian Lucas (and I am going to be struggling not to misspell that as Brain Lucas for the rest of this review).

Off to Scotland Yard then, where Not-Lestrade is looking grumpy (but it's sort of funny and sweet in an irritated way).

And for some reason I find myself looking at the two sets of two extras having a chat by the water cooler/filing cabinet. I am going to call them Dave and Jeffery-the-secret-ninja-monk and Arthur and Eames (but not the ones from Inception). Not-Lestrade is still sceptical, but sort of shifty, so it seems he has now been told that the bullet wasn't fired from Van Coon's own gun. And this gets Sherlock five minutes in Lucas' flat. So that's something, I guess.

I do hope that Sherlock and Not-Lestrade can learn to like each other.

Of course, once in Lucas' flat Sherlock (after some nice snazzy close-ups of things he is observing) heads straight for the window. I can has deduction teims nao?

**SHERLOCK** The murderer has been Spiderman-ing up the walls into places and Le Parkours over roofs until he finds a skylight or window or something he can drop into

**BAFFLED!NOT LESTRADE** *is baffled* You're not serious

**JOHN **Just smile and nod, it'll be easier

SHERLOCK And now we must find TEH CONNECTION! To the library!

What? The Museum?

**8. No, not the Museum which is also The Library. He means the actual library.**

Via more pretty taxi shots of Sherlock and John looking pretty in taxis.

So, Sherlock and John take the book that Lucas borrowed from the library and take it back to its spot... And nearby...

JOHN Sherlock. Bad/suspicious things

It's the graffiti from the bank on a shelf. Well, now the killer is definitely up to no good. Defacing a public library. It makes my spine tingle with horror.

And now we are back in 221B (can these people stay in one place for more than five minutes?)

**SHERLOCK** Let us describe the possible situation with flashbacks playing whilst we talk

**JOHN **Hm, sounds shiny. But why did they die?

**SHERLOCK **I don't know. We have to work out this cipher.

And another cut! Now we're on a London street. Honestly, can't you just stay still?

**SHERLOCK **No. We must go and talk about art with an art expert

JOHN Oh, that'll be why we're going towards the national gallery? Also, these extras are staring at us for some reason and I don't know why

**SHERLOCK** Well, it is the most realistically crowded we've shown London so far. Now, down this alleyway

**DIRECTOR/WRITER** We are teh geniuses of bait and switching!

And expert = graffiti kid, apparently.

**BANKSY EXPY** Hello. I've got an accent because I'm a graffiti kid

**SHERLOCK** Can you tell me about these symbols?

**BANKSY EXPY** Well, I can tell you an awful lot about the paint but I'm not entirely sure that's important. Oh, and your Hobbit friend can hold my spray can

**JOHN** Damn, this isn't going to end well

**FANS OF ORIGINAL BOOKS** BAKER STREET IRREGULARS REFERENCE FTW!

BANKSY EXPERT Well, I'm not entirely sure what they mean but I'll ask around... Oh crap, here come the cops

SHERLOCK AND BANSKY EXPY *run off*

JOHN *left holding the spray cans*

And even though the policemen clearly saw the accent-graffiti-kid running away and holding one of the spray cans and John is an adult who wears cardigans they arrest John anyway.

Because logic always goes out of the window in exchange for a throwaway joke. Either that or this is supposed to be some kind of commentary on the police or something

*shrugs*

What are you looking at me like that for?

**9. Back in the Museum**

**EVERYONE WHO SAW **_**SILENCE IN THE LIBRARY **__Library!_

Shut it

Geeky Museum Guy is still sceptical about Soo Lin having resigned because she was completely obsessed with teapots and has no family and so on.

**GEEKY MUSEUEM GUY** Why would she abandon them?

**MUSEUM BOSS LADY** I don't know. Maybe she was just sick of you stalking her in an awkward way

**GEEKY MUSEUM GUY** *wibble*

Back in 221B- comedy

**JOHN **They're giving me an ASBO!

**SHERLOCK** Good. Fine *forcibly shoved John's jacket back on him* Go ask police about journalist diary now please, thank you

**JOHN ***protesting at being manhandled*

**SHERLOCK/JOHN SHIPPERS** *definitely not protesting at John being manhandled* Though we'd prefer it if he was forcibly removing John's jacket...

SHERLOCK I'm going to do the same about Van Coon

Oh and there's a creepy lady creepily taking pictures of John from the side of the road.

And John should really wear a seatbelt in a taxi.

And that's part one. Next time: deciphering ciphers, more pointless-love-interest-ness and will Sherlock and Not Lestrade ever learn to co-operate. I highly doubt it.

:)

**PEOPLE WHO SAW**_** WATERS OF MARS** ... doomed_


	4. The Blind Banker Part Two

Hello there :)

*resolutely keeps mouth shut about _Doctor Who_ for fear of exploding with squees* Besides, I've lost my voice. At least that doesn't prevent me from typing.

**SHERLOCK- Episode Two: The Blind Banker **

**(Part Two)**

**10. Sherlock is looking up some more stuffs about Mr Posh Name aka. Van Coon, with help from a secretary**

**SHERLOCK **Diary?

**SECRETARY **Receipts?

**SHERLOCK** Close enough

John, meanwhile, is busy at Scotland Yard checking out the same things for the dead journalist. I have a feeling that Sherlock sent him on that job because he didn't want to risk another bitch fight with Not!Lestrade.

**NOT!LESTRADE** Sherlock Holmes is an arrogant sod

**JOHN **... Well, that was mild

**NOT!LESTRADE** Diary.

**JOHN** There's no need to sound so wound up about it

**NOT!LESTRADE** I NEED COFFEE DAMMIT!

**JOHN **Ooookaaay

Why has Van Coon's secretary got horns on her shoulders? That's an (admittedly fairly restrained) Lady Gaga jacket if ever I saw one

**SHERLOCK** Van Coon bought you expensive handcream. Oh lookie, he got a taxi on the day he died mid-morning explain-explain-deduce-explain-etc.

**SECRETARY** Why are you telling me all this?

**SHERLOCK** You are my temporary stand-in skull/Watson/sounding board in order to get all the information across to the audience. Hm, he was delivering a package then stopped for lunch before heading back to the office

**SECRETARY **Wha-?

**SHERLOCK** LUNCHTIME!

**11. May as well put a scene change in here, as this is where the next scene starts on my DVD, far too long after the last one thus making it difficult to keep track of where everything is when I start/stop writing**

**EVERYONE **GET ON WITH IT!

Alright, alright, keep your hair on.

Luckily it seems every murder victim in London stops for lunch at the same spot, because following the diaries Sherlock and John coincidentally bump into each other

**SHERLOCK** Eddie Van Coon brought a package here the day he died

**JOHN** "Hi there" to you too

**SHERLOCK** Lots of deduction, me being awesome, as per usual

**JOHN** Excuse me, if you would stop talking at a hundred miles an hour and breathe for a change I think I have something important to say

**SHERLOCK** What the what?

**JOHN** That shop over there. It's in Lucas' diary *walks off*

**SHERLOCK** ... Oh.

The adorable petulant face is back. *fangirly "Yaaaay!" with jazz hands*

The pair find themselves in a shop called "The Lucky Cat" which is full of those creepy waving cat things. And is therefore creepy

**WOMAN AT TILL** Lucky cat?

**JOHN **No, just browsing

**WOMAN AT TILL** Why the heck does no one ever buy my lucky cats?

Probably because they are creepy.

**WOMAN AT TILL** Your wife will totally like it

**JOHN** Erm... Awkwardness... I'm gonna go look at these tea cups. They are less creepy *turns teacup over and notices symbols like the death-threat graffiti* It seems I have spoken too soon.

**SHERLOCK** I shall explain what it is... Outside. For no apparent reason. Other than to get out of that creepy shop before that woman piles more awkwardness on us by suggesting that either of us have wives, ha, what a notion!

**JOHN **Now probably wouldn't be a good time to mention the love interest GP then...

**OBLIVIOUS!SHERLOCK** *is oblivious* Its an ancient numbering system

And to prove his point all the symbols and numbers appear in the air around them. And the death threat numbers were "1" and "15". Oh, and the creepy photography lady just turned up again, but our protagonists have no time for that because they are going to discuss all this stuff over some lunch across the road from creepy lucky cat shop. And if my sister was reading this she would totally kill me for using so many connectives to start sentences.

**SHERLOCK **The victims were smugglers and they dropped off stuff at the creepy lucky cat shop!

**JOHN** That doesn't explain why they're dead

**SHERLOCK **One of them stole something! Wow, we're barely thirty minutes in and we've already worked out a motive. I AM TRUELY A GENIUS OF AWESOME!

**JOHN **Well, at least there is a motive, unlike that evil cabbie bloke.

And yet he was all the more creepy for lack of motive. Who says that all villains need a motive when they are far scarier without one? TAKE THAT ENGLISH TEACHER! And you wonder why everyone says that horror movie remakes suck.

And now we have a lingering close up of the Yellow Pages. At least now we know whose sponsorship helped pay for this.

**SHERLOCK **When was the last time that it rained?

**JOHN **What?

**SHERLOCK** *gets up and leaves restaurant*

**JOHN **Oh crap. Not again. I have a horrible feeling that this running off after a case leaving me to abandon a meal is going to become a running joke.

Luckily there is a reason for Sherlock's question. It turns out that the Yellow Pages has been there since Monday and not been picked up by whoever lives there and, of course, the person in question happens to be the Museum Tea Lady herself, Soo Lin.

**EVERYONE WHO SAW **_**THE WATERS OF MARS**_ The water got her. Because she was _dooooooomed_.

**SHERLOCK** No one home. Windows open. I smell suspiciousness *breaks into flat*

**JOHN** *facepalm*

Aww, John is too short to jump up and grab the stairs up to the flat. I know how you feel, John. *sigh*

Meanwhile, inside the flat, Sherlock is busy accidentally causing property damage by knocking over a vase. However, because he is Sherlock Holmes and the master of awesome deduction, he can tell that someone else has broken in the same way and also knocked over the vase. And then he opens the washing machine and sniffs the clothes inside. As you do

**JOHN** Can you please let me in now?

Sherlock is too busy searching

**SOUNDTRACK** I is building the suspense

Someone's totally going to jump out at Sherlock aren't they?

**JOHN** Seriously. I'm having to yell through the letter box and people are staring at me like I'm crazy.

**SHERLOCK** The person who broke in before me is also totally the spider-man murderer we're looking for

**JOHN **Yeah, whatever. Damn you for being tall.

**SHERLOCK** ... Oh and he's still here.

**SOUNDTRACK** Mwahahahahahaetc.

**SHERLOCK** Is he behind this screen?

**MURDERER** Hell no! I will now strangle you!

**SHERLOCK **Oh damn *chokes* John! Help!

**OBLIVIOUS!JOHN** *is oblivious*I will now mock you. I'm Sherlock Holmes and I always work alone because no one can compete with my massive intellect!

**SHERLOCK** *still choking*

**JOHN** I'm sure that won't come back to haunt me later or anything...

**SHERLOCK** *goes limp*

**MURDERER **Hm, I'm not entirely sure if he's dead but there's someone at the door so it'll do. *shoves something in Sherlock's pocket and scarpers*

**SHERLOCK ***coughs and splutters and attempts to regain his breath*

**A MILLION FANGIRLS** *flock to their computers to write hot erotic fanfiction in which Sherlock is strangled to within an inch of his life. Usually by John*

**SHERLOCK** And there is an origami flower in my pocket. So we have that.

And he finally goes and opens the door for John.

**JOHN** Took you long enough

**SHERLOCK** *hoarsely* Somebody left here in a hurry *choke* three days ago

**JOHN **What the heck happened to your voice?

**SHERLOCK **Nothing. I totally wasn't almost strangled to death by the murderer

**JOHN **You do realise I'm an army doctor and could help you with whatever damage your throat has gone through

Because it's either that or call Rory Pond, BAMF Centurion Nurse of BADASSARY!

**SHERLOCK** I am totally fine. Let's go find Soo Lin at the Museum/Library/Platform One/whatever the hell it is, I don't care, I'm in pain

**12. Maybe he got some cough syrup or something because his voice is fine once they get there**

And because the Geeky Cardigan Guy has a crush-bordering-on-stalkerness with Soo Lin, he is the best person to ask about where she could have got to, whilst Sherlock has a look at all the teapots and artefacts IN EPIC CLOSE UP, then Cardigan Guy takes them to the archive place.

**SHERLOCK** Not interested in archive or teapots. Much more interested in this statue with the death threat numbers painted all over it.

**GEEKY MUSEUM GUY** Wow. How did I not notice that before?

When they leave the museum it is suddenly inexplicably night. How odd. But that doesn't matter, what does is that they find Soo Lin... If she's still alive *cue dramatic chord* Unless they are distracted by the return of Not!Banksy.

**NOT!BANKSY** Found something you'll like

**JOHN **Does it involve owning up to being the one who deserves the ASBO?

**SHERLOCK** John, be quiet

**JOHN **Why does life hate me today?

Well, the unfortunate presence of Creepy Sunglasses Woman certainly isn't helping.

Now we come to a place filled with graffiti and chavs on skateboards and bicycles. I know where this is. It's just by the National Theatre. I know because when I went there to see Hamlet I spotted this place and recognised it and was all "OMG this place was in_ Sherlock_!" and all the other English students stared at me like I was crazy... What are you looking at me like that for?

Not!Banksy shows Sherlock and John the yellow graffiti he's found

**SHERLOCK** Hooray!

**JOHN **It's kind of been painted over

**SHERLOCK** But it's the same kind of paint, right?

**NOT!BANKSY** *shrugs*

**SHERLOCK** See?

**JOHN** I don't think paint types are exclusive to just one person

**SHERLOCK** Plot convenience, John.

**JOHN ***facepalm*

**SHERLOCK** Let us look for more evidence... Somewhere completely different

But wherever this new place is it has magic floaty imagination ciphers floating around Sherlock as he walks, so we have that. There is also a lot of giggling in the background, so I assume there are students nearby. Sherlock quickly finds an empty can of yellow spray paint on the ground. You know, so far our murderer hasn't exactly been careful with his stuff. Then again, he wears gloves. And Sherlock had better be careful with that spray paint before a police officer turns up and makes stupid assumptions for the sake of a throwaway joke.

John is also searching, but elsewhere. They seem to have split up to search every graffiti hotspot in London, so it's probably very lucky that John finds what they are looking for quite quickly

**JOHN** What a conveniently sized wall for this message written out in the cipher. I mean, it completely covers the wall quite neatly. Also, I'm slightly freaked out by this. QUICK! I MUST FIND SHERLOCK... Wherever he is looking at all the graffiti in London!

Sherlock is a fail at answering his phone, apparently. Too busy staring at graffiti.

**JOHN** I found it

**SHERLOCK** Awesome, where is it?

**JOHN** It's on this wall...

**WALL** Ha! Got ya suckers!

Wow. The wall has been painted over in brick-wall colour, it seems. Must be on special offer.

**JOHN** What? I don't understand it was right here? Where is it?

Under the brick-wall coloured paint is my guess :)

**SHERLOCK** Somebody doesn't want me to see it. DANCE TIME!

**JOHN **GAH!

**SHERLOCK** You have to concentrate and try and remember

**JOHN** You holding onto my head and spinning me around for some reason isn't helping!

**JOHN/SHERLOCK FANGIRLS** We're not complaining *record sequence for later use in many icons and fanvids*

**JOHN** Gah! Again!

**JOHN/SHERLOCK FANGIRLS** Squeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

**JOHN **Teh squees hurt my ears! Anyway, if you'd let me talk for one second then I'd be able to show you the photograph that I took of the graffiti before I went and found you

**SHERLOCK** Huh? Oh, okay. Then why were you panicking just now? In fact, why bring me here at all instead of just showing me the picture?

**JOHN** Erm...

His phone has a good flash function.

**13. Back at 221B**

**SHERLOCK **I wonder if staring at all these photographs of the various ciphers for ages will help me to deduce whatever the heck they mean any easier?

**JOHN** Can I sleep now please?

**SHERLOCK** It's probably a message saying that the leader of the smuggler mob or whatever they are wants whatever was stolen returned.

**JOHN** I'm tired. I have a bad feeling about whatever is going to happen tomorrow as a result of my tiredness

So do I, John. So do I.

**SHERLOCK **Let's find Soo Lin!

**JOHN **Where the heck is she supposed to be?

**SHERLOCK** I don't know. To the museum!

Cardigan guy is working late today.

**JOHN** Someone's trying to kill Soo Lin

**SHERLOCK** Teapots!

**JOHN** o_O

**GEEKY MUSUEM GUY** Erm... She was sort of obsessed by them but I don't see how that's important

**SHERLOCK** Shiny!

The shininess is apparently due to Soo Lin breaking in at night to make them all shiny. Gee, Cardigan Guy was right when he said "obsessed". I mean, historical-cultural importance and everything but I think getting away from the crazy murderer sending you death threats is the more pressing issue. And can't anyone else at the museum make the tea so the teapots stay shiny?

**SHERLOCK** I am a slightly creepy shadow in the background

**OBLIVIOUS!SOO LIN** *is oblivious*

**SHERLOCK** Evening

**SOO LIN** Eeep! *accidentally knocks teapot over*

**SHERLOCK ***catches it* I am awesome.

**SOO LIN** You're scary!

**SHERLOCK** I am also tall. And wondering why the heck you are still here when there's a crazy graffiti spider-man murderer coming after you

**SOO LIN** I have a teapot obsession, don't I?

**SHERLOCK **As far as I can tell... Yup. Have you met this murderer guy before?

The slightly poignant pause tells us that something to do with dark family secrets are going to be revealed here. *sigh*

**SOO LIN** We met in China. I recognise his "signature"

You could have just left it at that, writer and it would have been all well and good but then you had to go and spoil it with a cliché.

**SOO LIN** Also, I have a tattoo of a lotus on my foot

**THE INTERNET** *rages about how tattoos on the bottom of feet don't work*

*headdesk*

SHERLOCK I know all about the ancient Chinese crime syndicate that has that tattoo because I'm awesome and its convenient to the plot and I had that origami lotus stuck in my pocket after I was strangled like the one in Van Coon's mouth after he was murdered and for some reason I didn't think to mention this before because, I don't know, plot convenience?

**JOHN **And Soo Lin is a smuggler too?

**SOO LIN** Well, I was. And I was an orphan and stuff and it's all very sad and I started working for the Black Lotus as a teenager but I don't do that any more and now I work in a museum/evil-future-library and it's all good

So why is the murderer after her? If she stopped smuggling for the Black Lotus five years ago then why bother sending her the death threat. She obviously didn't steal the thing what was stolen. Either that or the Black Lotus have been really dim and only just realised it's gone missing after five freaking years.

**SOO LIN** I refused to help the murderer help find the stolen thing because I don't know where the heck it is so now they've death-threated me. For some reason. I have no idea why.

**JOHN **Did you know him well then?

Oh sheesh, John, don't tempt fate.

**SOO LIN** Yes. He's my brother

Mr. Writer-of-this-episode. I have a question.

Why?

I mean, what's the point. Except plot-twist-for-the-sake-of-a-plot-twist. That doesn't go anywhere. And thus doesn't matter at all in the grand scheme of things. What's the point? They don't have to be related! It's enough that they just knew each other as teenage smugglers and she was all "I don't wanna do this any more, I'm off to England" and he was all "suit yourself. I'm gonna be spider-man and kill people." THE RELATIVE THING WAS NOT IN ANYWAY NECESSARY EXCEPT TO HAVE A DRAMATIC SORT OF MOMENT!

I apologise for the rant but this sort of writing really gets on my nerves.

Also, scenes like this are kind of difficult to make funny. Except in terms of how melodramatic they are.

Also, they've overlaid a random shot of someone with very neatly manicured nails making an origami lotus. For some reason

**SHERLOCK** Okay. Sob story over. Now to the important stuff. Can you decipher this code for us?

**SOO LIN** These are numbers

**SHERLOCK** Yes, we know that bit. What does the message say?

**SOO LIN** Its based on a book...

**LIGHTS** DRAMATICALLY INCONVIENT TIME TO GO OUT! MWAHAHAHA!

I do love it when the murderer is obviously listening in on the conversation so he knows when exactly to turn the lights off so the big important secret is not revealed. Also, Soo Lin, you can still talk even though the lights are out. Tell them what bloody book the code is based on!

**SHERLOCK **Yeah, but if we did that we wouldn't have forty minutes left to fill. I'm gonna go run after the murderer now

**JOHN** Dammit! He's going to get into trouble again and I'll have to be badass and save him again. You go hide in a room under a table or something, Soo Lin and I'll run off after him

Well, at least this murderer actually has a real gun and is shooting at people. And missing. Lucky for our protagonists. Not so great for villain marksmanship reputation.

**SHERLOCK** Please don't shoot the ancient skulls! Who else am I supposed to wax lyrical to?

**MURDRER** *gone*

**SHERLOCK **Oh crap, he's found Soo Lin, hasn't he?

**MURDERER** Yup

**SOO LIN** Hi there brother. I'm totally gonna guilt trip you whislt you appear spookily behind me in the shadows and it'll be really poignant and stuff and then we can totally have a sibling reunion moment before y-

**MURDERER** Gun

**JOHN **Oh crap

**SOO LIN** *is ded*

**CINAMATOGRAPHY **i is poignant, yes?

Yes. Yes you are. Its about as subtle as being whacked on the head with a slice of lemon wrapped around a large gold brick.

We'll be back very soon (heh... heh) with the next part of The Blind Banker amusing review. In the meantime... have fun and remember not to fall off tall buildings.


	5. The Blind Banker Part Three

Y hallo thar :)

**SHERLOCK- Episode Two: The Blind Banker **

**(Part Three)**

**Previously on Sherlock: The Amusing Reviews:**

Sherlock (with some help from John and no help whatsoever from Not!Lestrade) deduced that Ed-face Van Poshname and Brain Lucas were smuggling stuff for evil smuggling people from China and were murdered for possibly stealing something, then Soo Lin gave some exposition and was murdered for having a clichéd backstory. Also there was some stuff with yellow graffiti and a pointless love interest and some creep following John around with a camera. Now, back to the show! :)

**14. The police station. Well, I guess it would be a good idea to inform Not!Lestrade that Soo Lin was murderered**

**EVERYONE WHO SAW **_**THE WATERS OF MARS**_ Because she was_ doomed_. _Doooomed_!

**JOHN **We are totally going to guilt trip you about Soo Lin dying and you being all unconvinced about this case being important

**NOT!LESTRADE** Please go away. I am trying to do important stuff (well, actually it isn't important I'm just pretending it is because you are scaring me)

**ANGRY!JOHN** *is angry. And scary*

**SHERLOCK** Black lotus gang. Is v. important actually. Btw, I'm angry with you too

**FRUSTRATED!JOHN** *frustrated pacing around*

**SHERLOCK **And they are right under your nose and you are being an idiot, y/y?

**NOT!LESTRADE** Not interested unless you have proof

**SHERLOCK ***straightens up with v. important look*

**SHERLOCK'S FACE** Bring it, bitch

And so we go to... the hospital, where Molly the pathologist/Sherlock fangirl is wondering what to have for dinner (see, there's the issue with setting your mystery series in the middle of winter. I keep thinking its supposed to be midnight because its dark outside when in fact it's just tea time).

**SHERLOCK** I don't trust canteen food

I don't blame him

**SHERLOCK** Besides, I don't eat when I'm working anyway

**MOLLY **You worry me

**AUDIENCE** Same here

**SHERLOCK** Anyway, I didn't come here to talk fine cuisine (sarcasm). I need to take a look at some bodies

**UNSURE!MOLLY ***is unsure*

**SHERLOCK** Your hair is pretty

**MOLLY** BODIES! *inner fangirl squee*

**SHERLOCK** Yeah, I only want to see the feet though

**MOLLY** Erm...

Also, Sherlock manipulating Molly into getting the bodies out for him to look out is awkward and therefore adorable. He really knows nothing about socialising. Aww. And then he just snaps back into deduction mode when her back is turned and I don't know if I should laugh or want to slap him.

Sherlock brings Not!Lestrade over to see the bodies and looks smug the entire time. Ha. And it turns out both Van Coon and Lucas have the black lotus tattoos.

**SHERLOCK **Who'd have thought it? *continues to look smug*

**NOT!LESTRADE** ...

**SHERLOCK** *inner happy-smug dancing*

**NOT!LESTRADE** *inner headdesk* What do you want?

**SHERLOCK** BOOKS!

**NOT!LESTRADE** o_O

**15. Back at 221B**

**JOHN **I'm tired and pessimistic

**SHERLOCK** Don't be ridiculous. Soo Lin told us everything we need

**JOHN **Of... course she did?

**SHERLOCK **Valuable Chinese antiques, of course!

**JOHN **And the Black Lotus is selling them

**SHERLOCK** To Ebay!

Where they discover two ancient Chinese vases for sale, one smuggled by Van Coon and one by Lucas. It's a wonder one of them didn't accidentally smash one of them. Also, I'm pretty sure airport security would notice something that big.

**SHERLOC**K My google searches are extremely detailed

Because if I tried searching that, I'd get nothing. Search engines hate specificity.

**SHERLOCK **So one of them stole something

**JOHN** Erm... I thought we'd figured that one out earlier, why I you saying it like its new?

**MRS HUDSON** Hello there. Just making my cameo for this episode. And, Sherlock, what's with all these books?

**SHERLOCK **BOOKS!

Time for book cross-referencing. Long, complicated explanation made short- there is one specific book and the graffiti code refers to page numbers and words therefore making sentences. With hindsight and recalling the cleverness of the director earlier: the book in question can be spotted in piles of books in both Van Coon and Lucas' flats. I do love clever directors.

I have a question. If Van Coon and Lucas were both working men who frequently travelled to China with their work... How come they have so many blippin' books? I mean, I have a lot of books, but I'm a student, I have time to read them. Even I don't have as many books as either these two! Seriously!

Also, Not!Lestrade puts in an apperance, only to be insulted by Sherlock. You know, I have an idea. How about let him help? This is going to be done quicker with three people

**SHERLOCK** No. Not allowed. Get on with cross-referencing, John

**JOHN** Oh dear Merlin's scarf on a ritz cracker. Can't I sleep now? Please?

**SHERLOCK** No. You must help me and provide awkward forced comedy in a later scene, thereby attracting your co-worker/pointless love interest with your awkwardness and setting up the last act of this episode

**JOHN **Okay... Wait, what?

**16. The next morning**

**JOHN **Why do I get the feeling that the next couple of scenes are going to be painful for me?

So, we get our awkward comedy moment that Sarah is somehow somewhat endeared by, blah blah blah, John apologises.

**SARAH** So, what were you up to that kept you up all night?

**JOHN **Erm... slightly creepy question. Attending a sort of... Book event *under breath* That should be vague but honest enough...

**SARAH** So, she likes books does she? Your girlfriend

**JOHN **Oh god, how many times do I have to tell people that Sherlock is not my- what?

**SARAH** ...

**JOHN** So... date?

Sherlock, meanwhile, is musing to himself, wondering what books everybody owns. To be fair, you have to take your hat off to whatever research person actually found out what all these book references are. And I really should check a copy of the actual book in question to see if the code is accurate or just made up. But that would be unbelievably sad.

**SHERLOCK** Were going out tonight

**JOHN **Well, yes, I was actual- what? No! I've got a date Its where two people who like each other go out and have fun

**SHERLOCK** That's what I was suggesting

I'm saying nothing *shifty eyes*

**JOHN** *facewall*

**SHERLOCK** What did I say?

**JOHN** So, we're off to the cinema

**SHERLOCK** Gah. Dull, boring, predictable. Try the circus. Much more fun.

**JOHN** And related to the case

**SHERLOCK** No. Not at all *innocent face*

**JOHN** I'm going to regret this, aren't I?

(As a side note, I think Steve Thompson might secretly ship John/Sherlock because this scene contained what I think might be the most blatant reference yet.)

**17. All eyes on me in the centre of the ring just a like a circus?**

**JOHN **I'm regretting this

**SARAH** I'm excited *squee*

**JOHN **Yeah, well... *inwardly* 

They get their tickets, after a very polite and very loud extra. Also, he's reserved them under the name Holmes. No idea why.

**STEVE THOMPSON** It's a plot point, just run with it

**SHERLOCK** Evening

**JOHN'S INNER THOUGHTS** _DAMN YOU SHERLOCK!_

**SARAH** Erm... Hi

**SHERLOCK** Hello *buggers off*

Seriously. That's what happens. If I'd have been drinking, I'd have needed a new keyboard.

Turns out he's here for the case, as John soon finds out.

**SHERLOCK **The assassin is here with the circus

**JOHN **Dressed as a tightrope walker? Sherlock, behave!

**SHERLOCK **I sort of need your help here

**JOHN** I really don't know why I bother sometimes. I have other things on my mind this evening

**SHERLOCK **Like what?

**JOHN ***facepalm*

But the awkwardness can wait a little while longer because the circus is about to begin. I must say the theatre is very pretty.

**SCEPTICAL!JOHN** *is v. sceptical. And annoyed* This isn't a circus, this is... art

HA!

**RINGLEADER** *enters and is all serene and mysterious and stuff*Welcome to the circus blah, blah, blah, no these are not curtain pulls on my hat, oh btw I has a giant crossbow

**AUDIENCE** Oooh.

**SARAH** Yay!

**JOHN** Right...

**INTERESTED!SHERLOCK** *is interested *

**RINGLEADER **I can also set off the crossbow by dropping a hairpin on it. Because it is awesome

**AUDIENCE ***jump in shock then are impressed*

**SARAH **John, I do hope your friend isn't one of those people who explains how all the tricks work...

**JOHN** Erm...

**CIRCUS BLOKE IN FANCY MASK** Hey there

**RINGLEADER **Tis escapology tiems nao!

**SHERLOCK** *starts explaining how the trick works*

The warrior mask bloke escapes, of course, but it is all very tense and stuff and the audience is tres impressed, apart from Sherlock. By the way, towards the beginning of the act there's a member of the audience standing to the left of our protagonists staring up at the ceiling. Look out for him. He's funny.

Sherlock, however, is far more interested in being elsewhere searching for evil murderer type peoples backstage. And finds a yellow spray paint can. Unfortunately it seems the murderer is elsewhere

**MURDERER** I is an acrobat dancing with ribbons in the air and stuff!

**AUDIENCE **Oooooh

**TV AUDIENCE** What the scarf is a bird-spider supposed to be?

Aren't all those candles and those ribbons a fire hazard? Health and safety would not be pleased with you, circus/evil murderous smuggling gang.

**SHERLOCK **Yeah, whatever. I'm far more entertaining

I just took a break to get myself some hot chocolate. *sigh* Benedict Cumberbatch is on screen and I have hot chocolate. All is right with the word :)

**RINGLEADER ***enters backstage*

**SHERLOCK** Darn *hides* I really don't feel like getting strangled again this episode

**RINGLEADER** *grabs a phone and buggers off*

**SHERLOCK** Well, I have no idea what that was about but, hey, I found the yellow spray paint. All good

**MASKED CIRCUS BLOKE** I don't think so *attacks*

Luckily, Sherlock utilises his mad fighting skillz from the beginning of the episode to fight the masked circus bloke

**SHERLOCK** YELLOW SPRAY PAINT IN YOUR FACE!

**MASKED CIRCUS BLOKE** ARGH! MY EYES! *kicks Sherlock through curtains onto stage*

**JOHN** Oh lord, I knew I'd regret this

**OTHER CIRCUS PEOPLE** *make a run for it*

**SARAH** *attacks masked guy with a stick*

Okay, I take back what I said. Sarah is badass.

Well, I take back most of it.

Some of it.

A bit.

*cough*

**SHERLOCK** He has the black lotus tattoo! In your face, Not!Lestrade!

**NOT!LESTRADE** Nope. Still not impressed. Thanks for sending two of my cars down to a circus to find absolutely nothing there, you're welcome.

**JOHN **What if we actually try and explain this to you?

**NOT!LESTRADE** *glare*

**SARAH** ... My presence here is awkward

**NOT!LESTRADE** What the heck are they supposed to have stolen?

**JOHN** ...

**SHERLOCK** ...

**SARAH** ... Yeah, I have no idea what they're on about

**NOT!LESTRADE** I don't see what actual!Lestrade sees in you. Now can you bugger off back to Baker Street, please? I'm tired and I've given the order for a raid and I really don't want it to be pointless now toodle pip.

**18. Therefore, the trio head back to 221B. Hey, maybe in the absence of Arthur, Merlin and Morgana as a trio of awesome, John, Sherlock and Sarah could take over. With Mrs Hudson as their Gaius and Mycroft as their Great-Slash-Umbrella-Pimp**

**SHERLOCK **Well, I've got a room full of books and you've got a pointless love interest. Deduction tiems!

**SARAH** ... Should I leave?

**SHERLOCK** Yes

**JOHN** No

**SARAH** Oh... Dinner?

**SHERLOCK** Oh, god

**FRIDGE** I is empty. Ha ha ha

**JOHN** Well, thank Moffat there aren't any severed fingers or anything in here today

Meanwhile, Sarah is talking to Sherlock and Sherlock is being rude back

**SARAH** So, you solve puzzles for a living?

**SHERLOCK** Consulting detective

**SHERLOCK'S INNER MONOLGUE** Please shut up whilst I am working

**SARAH** What are these squiggles?

**SHERLOCK **Numbers

In the kitchen, John must really be desperate. I mean, he's resorted to a bag of whatsits in a bowl, for crying out loud

**MRS HUDSON** Landlady to the rescue! Punch and nibbles. If it was Monday I'd have been to the supermarket but...

She really isn't helping her "Landlady, not housekeeper" image.

**SHERLOCK'S INNER MONOLOGUE** John, hurry up with that food and get your pointless love interest out of my papers

**SARAH** Hey, look, two words have already been translated

**SHERLOCK** ... What?

**JOHN **How the hell did we miss that?

Oh, probably just a case of plot-induced blindness, happens to the best of people. It's also a fairly common way of getting the pointless love interest to do something useful instead of just stand around. I'd prefer it if she whacked more evil smugglers with sticks, personally.

Also, Soo Lin has interesting handwriting with squiggles on the 'N'. Interesting.

**SHERLOCK** Nine mill? What would be worth nine million quid? Hm... To the museum!

**JOHN** o_O

**SHERLOCK** The book used to translate the code must be on Soo Lin's desk and she started translating it whilst we were running around!

Erm... when? Seriously, watch that scene again. At what point does it look like Soo Lin's going through a book to translate the code?

**SHERLOCK **Bye!

**SARAH **O_o

**JOHN **Yeah. He does that. You get used to it.

Sherlock's attempts to get a taxi, however, are scuppered by his running into a couple of tourists and making them drop their A-Z of London. The couple are not pleased. Neither is Sherlock, due to the irritating absence of taxis.

**SHERLOCK** Oh dear... flashbacks

**FLASHBACKS** A-Z of London, deary

**SHERLOCK** Oh. Oi! Random German couple, I would like to borrow your book!

**GERMAN COUPLE** (in German) Oh, for heaven's sake

Meanwhile in 221B: Sarah and John are making awkward small talk and bad puns.

**JOHN** Chinese takeaway?

**SARAH** How coincidentally appropriate

**STEVE THOMPSON** Heh, heh, heh...

Meanwhile:

**A-Z LONDON PAGE 15 WORD 1** Deadman.

**SHERLOCK** Oh... Now to translate this whole thing in the middle of the street even though I've probably got a copy of this thing at home anyway!

*facepalm*

Meanwhile:

There is a knock at the door. Blimey, that takeaway was quick.

**JOHN** Hey there!

**PERSON **Treasure?

**JOHN **What the what?

**PERSON **Okay then. Knocky-out stick!

**JOHN** What th- *is knocked out*

And Sherlock just down the street doesn't notice this, why?

**SHERLOCK** Probably because I'm busy concentrating on this message. Nine Mill for jade pin. Black Dragon Den, Tramway. Or something. Now, where's John? We've got some smugglers to catch. Oh, and better bring his pointless love interest too, she could hit them with some sticks or something. Now why the heck is the door open that's not very...

**WINDOW **Deadman, biatch

**SHERLOCK** Oh... crap.

And that expression shall be used for many fanvids to come.

**19. The Tramway. Interesting place to set up your smuggling operation but hey, its dark and dingy and stuff so makes for a good evil lair for the climax of the episode, I guess.**

**JOHN** *wakes up* Good lord, I can't believe that the fridge being empty was actually a plot point

**RINGLEADER aka. EVIL LEADER OF SMUGGLERS** A book is like a magic garden carried in your pocket

**JOHN** The what? Look, I really can't be bothered with existentialism after just waking up from being knocked out. And where am I, anyway? Please don't tell me that evil mice are going to try and steal my brain

**SARAH **This isn't good. Also, I've been gagged. Just saying

**EVIL LEADER OF SMUGGLERS** I wear sunglasses at night. Because I'm awesome. What do you think of my sunglasses, Mister Holmes?

**JOHN** Well they are quite snazzy an- wait? I'm not Sherlock Holmes

**EVIL LEADER OF SMUGGLERS** Yes you are. We've been following you and spotted lots of different places in the plot where you said you were Sherlock Holmes and used cards and cheques under the name Sherlock Holmes.

**JOHN** Damn. I knew that would come back to haunt me later. Can't we just put this down to one big misunderstanding?

**EVIL LEADER OF SMUGGLERS aka. SHAN** I has a gun.

**JOHN** Oh crap

**SHAN** We've tried to kill you and your companion three times now. But hey, this gun isn't loaded so I guess we weren't really trying

**JOHN** ... help?

Meanwhile... Sherlock's on his way to save the day!

Yay!

(rhymes)

**SHAN** I hope your girlfriend knows escapology

**JOHN** And now we're in a James Bond movie. Brilliant.

**SHAN **Jade hair pin. Now please. Or the pointless love interest gets kebabed.

**JOHN** I don't have it!

**SHAN** Shame. I wouldn't want to waste my circus ringleader act... So I won't. I need a volunteer from the audience... Oh look, there's one!

**SARAH **BLOODY HELL SOMEONE HELP ME!

Seems Sherlock's found a taxi. Hopefully he will arrive soon, to save his friend and Sarah from this weird cross between James Bond and a Saw film.

**SHAN **Sherlock Holmes' pretty companion in a death defying act! Oh no wait... Not the pretty one, the woman. Never mind.

Couldn't Sarah just try and tip the chair over?

**JOHN** PLEASE STOP IT!

**SHAN **I'm creepy. Hm, shame we couldn't have caught the other one. His cheekbones are more pretty. Have an origami lotus

**JOHN** I'M NOT SHERLOCK HOLMES!

**SHAN** I don't believe you

**SHERLOCK** Did someone ask for a dramatically timed entrance? Oh, and I wouldn't bother trying to shoot, you know, because the bullet would probably ricochet off the walls and hit someone physics, physics, physics

And then he takes a leaf from Sarah's book and whacks a mook over the head with a stick

**SHERLOCK** Hey, Sarah. Sorry for stealing your move but if I untie you will you forgive me?

**MOOK **Strangulation!

**SHERLOCK** DAMMIT NOT AGAIN! *chokes*

**FANGIRLS** Yay!

I swear that bag must have more sand in it than the last one because that weight is going extreeeeeeemely slowly.

**SARAH** I'M GOING TO FREAKING DIE!

**SHERLOCK** SO AM I! *choke*

**JOHN **Well, nothing to loose, I guess *shuffle-hops chair over to crossbow deathtrap but falls over* DAMMIT!

**SARAH ***sniffle* Goodbye cruel world

**SHERLOCK** I echo that *chokes*

**JOHN** *kicks*

**CROSSBOW **TWANG!

**MOOK** *kebabed*

**JOHN** And I make that twice I've saved your life now, Sherlock

**SHAN** I'm outta here *buggers off*

**SARAH** SOMEONE PLEASE UNTIE ME NOW!

**SOUNDTRACK** Nah. You all have to share poignant looks first. Mwahahaha

**SARAH** ... DAMN YOU!

Some sobbing and poignant looks later, the police turn up

**NOT!LESTRADE** Well, well, Sherlock, looks like we got here just in time

**SHERLOCK** *facepalm*

**NOT!LESTRADE** What? That deathtrap was just about to kill you, your little friend and her pet hobbit

**SHERLOCK** I hope you actually listen to me in the future

**NOT!LESTRADE** Yeah, well... I have an awesome trenchcoat

**SHERLOCK **I had one first ;) Bye.

**20. So... where's this jade pin supposed to be?**

Well, turns out it's in Van Coon's secretary's hair. They were having an affair and he kept buying her expensive soap, you see.

**SHERLOCK** Or maybe he just nicked it from hotel rooms. One of the two.

**SECRETARY **It was nothing, between us. It was over in a flash

And that's what she said.

:)

**SHERLOCK** Oh, by the way, Van Coon didn't know it but that hairpin is worth nine million pounds

**SECRETARY** ... *hilarious major panic*

**SHERLOCK** Heh

**JOHN **Well, well. A hair pin worth nine million pounds. Who'd have thought it?

**SMUG BANK GIT FROM EARLIER** *signs over cheque for John* Yeah, yeah, Sherlock's the best, here have your money

**JOHN** That was very satisfying :)

**SHERLOCK **Well, that's all the loose ends tied up

**JOHN **Apart from whether Sarah will ever be mentioned again

**SHERLOCK** Meh

I *hearts* John's stripy top

JOHN And Shan escaped

SHERLOCK Meh

He cares really.

Then we have a poignant shot of a kid spraying graffiti. For... some reason

**21. Someone, however, would very much like it if all the loose ends were tied up**

**SHAN **So, yeah, we failed and everything but thanks for helping us get into London and everything. I suppose it isn't enough just to say "I'm sorry"?

**M **(via instant messaging) Whatever. Gratitude is meaningless. It is only the expectation of further favours and I keep a thesaurus on hand at all times because I like to use complicated vocabulary

**SHAN** It's not my fault Sherlock Holmes decided to get involved

**M** Not my problem

**SHAN** Your safety is compromised

**M** Erm... nah

**SHAN** I will not reveal your identity

**M** I am certain

**SHAN **Wha-

**SNIPER RIFLE** Y HALO THAR!

**SHAN **Oh...

Cut to black.

Well, that was sort of scary.

**NEXT TIME**

**The shiz hits the fan. All we know? There are bombs, there are some epic cases to crack and who's behind it all? Only the one and only Moriarty. **

**And hopefully now all my exams are over I'll be able to get it done quickly**

**See ya then folks!**

**:)**


	6. The Great Game Part One

Because the header of my fics appears to have also become my bulletin board... I JUST SAW HARRY POTTER AND THE DEATHLY HALLOWS PART 2 AND- ooh, what was that flying away out the window? Yup, that was my childhood. Goodbye childhood! *waves* :)

Gah, the next series of Sherlock cannot come sooner.

That or Doctor Who. Well, I guess I've got Torchwood to keep me happy for the time being. Its not perfect but it'll do.

**SHERLOCK- Episode Three: The Great Game**

**(Part One)**

**1. Minsk, Belarus. And I know very well I haven't spelt that wrong because they told us via subtitles, tee hee**

A prison full of tables and shouting people and Sherlock continuing to sound like Alan Rickman.

**SHERLOCK** Oh, how I hate common people who use slang and rubbish. At least I've got this coat and scarf to keep me warm in this horrible cold place. If only John were here with one of his nice woolly cardigans

**PRISONER** I'm not Russell Tovey, even though I kind of look similar in profile/silhouette

**SHERLOCK** Indeed

**PRISONER** And I guess, whilst I'm here I should probably mention I'm also totally not Mori-

**SHERLOCK** I pick holes in your grammar

Sherlock Holmes: Grammar Pedantic. He's worse than my sister. And that's saying something.

**SHERLOCK** Anyway, go on with your fascinating story

**PRISONER** And then she ran into my knife. She ran into my knife ten times.

**SHERLOCK** *sigh*

**PRISONER** Stop picking holes in my idiolect! Now, are you going to help me with my case or what?

**SHERLOCK** Let me think about i-No

**PRISONER **But I'll be hung!

**SHERLOCK** No, no, no, not at all. _Hanged_- yes ;)

Dark humour ftw. Yup, this is a Mark Gatiss episode, alright, and we love him for it. Also, am I the only one thinking that Sherlock just needed to whip out a pair of sunglasses for dramatic effect just before a smash cut to the...

**OPENING CREDITS (see what I did there?)**

**2. GUNSHOTS! GOOD LORD!**

Sherlock's got a gun! Run for your lives!

**JOHN** Oh lord...

**SHERLOCK** Yeah, I can shoot a smiley face into the wall without even looking, what of it?

**JOHN** What the hell are you doing?

**SHERLOCK** Bored

**MARK GATISS** Yeah references to the original books. Also- yes we saw the Guy Richie film.

**JOHN** "Bored" is not an adequate excuse for shooting holes in the wall. Mrs Hudson is going to kill you...

**SHERLOCK** *shoots the wall some more*

**JOHN** She will kill you a lot! Also, I was in a war, you know, lots of gunfire and stuff, any regard for possible PTSD? And I'll have that gun back thank you very much *makes mental note to hide weaponry in safer place in future. Like a triple-locked safe... outside the flat*

**SHERLOCK** The wall had it coming

**SMILEY FACE** *is in yellow paint as a call back to the last episode*

John isn't happy, especially as the table is cluttered and there is no food around. To the fridge!

**HEAD IN FRIDGE** O hai thar!

**JOHN** ...

**SHERLOCK** Just tea for me, thanks

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Why do I imagine that if cats could speak, they'd have the voice of Benedict Cumberbatch?

**JOHN** A bloody head!

**SHERLOCK** Well actually it's quite clean... Nice blog

**JOHN** Did you like it?

**SHERLOCK** Eeeeerrrrm... No. Thank you mister insulting

Insult taken from the books. Thank you, another tick for the reference sheet.

**MARK GATISS** See? Updated? Isn't it snazzy?

**JOHN **Also, you don't know that the planets go around the sun?

Oh dear, John, don't say that, you'll set him off on a...

**SHERLOCK** *rant*

Too late.

**JOHN** Right, I'm off to Sarah's

**SHERLOCK** Fine.

**JOHN** Fine.

**SHERLOCK **Fine

**JOHN** *leaves*

**SHERLOCK** *sulks adorably*

**MRS HUDSON** Have you two been bickering like an old married couple again (must make prompts on kink meme!)?

Mrs Hudson fusses over John and is a complete fangirl whilst Sherlock strides over table. Because he's awesome like that. Then he goes to the window and watches John leave whilst making a sulking face and talking about how he hates the world. Oh, go write some angsty poetry, you teenager.

**MRS HUDSON** Oh, something will come up. A nice murder

Erm... Mrs Hudson... You're sort of creepy. Until she spots the graffiti and gunshots in the wall and gets all angry and leaves Sherlock all on his lonesome to continue sulking in his pajamas.

**SHERLOCK** *sigh*

**WALL** * BLOODY EXPLODES! *

**3. The next day, John has apparently been sleeping on the sofa in Sarah's house**

Well, that sinks that ship then

**TV **Missing painting foreshadowing etc!

**SARAH** Just thought I'd pop by to remind the audience that I still exist

**JOHN** OHMYGOD MY STREET BLEW UP!

**SARAH** Bye then! *waves*

Luckily Sherlock is completely fine and playing the violin, much to the non-amusement of Mycroft, who seems to have popped round for a cup of tea and a brotherly argument. And brought his pimp umbrella along.

**JOHN** Oh, not you creepy person again

**MYCROFT **Good morning to you too

**SHERLOCK** Good morning John. Gas leak. Sorry Mycroft, stuff to do, cases to crack, busy, busy, busy

**JOHN** You liar.

**MYCROFT** This is of national importance

**JOHN **Yes, right... Seriously with the cryptic-ness? What is going on?

**AUDIENCE **You're telling us.

Mycroft pulls the best faces

**LIVEJOURNAL USERS** *make a zillion screencaps for icons.*

**HILARITY** *ensues*

Also, apparently Mycroft's pocket watch can tell him that John spent the night on Sarah's sofa.

**JOHN** Ho-Oh, never mind

Most hilarious line ever.

**MYCROFT** I is master of teh sarcasm

**SHERLOCK** Yes, indeed. Go away.

**MYCROFT** I'm going to tell you about this case whether you want to work it out or not

**SHERLOCK** And take your pimp umbrella with you

**MYCROFT** Don't make me order you

**SHERLOCK** I'd like to see you try

And a million dark/angsty/incesty fics sprang into being

**MYCROFT** Goodbye, John. See you very soon

**JOHN** Yup, still creepy

And then John has a rant at Sherlock about sibling-rivalry-ness before Sherlock's phone rings

**SHERLOCK** Hello?

**JOHN** Who is it?

**SHERLOCK** It's the soundtrack. It says something interesting and plot relevant is happening. How could I refuse the soundtrack?

And a taxi ride later we arrive at...

**4. Scotland Yard**

Where Lestrade is back! And there was much rejoicing (Yay!) And he has a very surprising and interesting case for Sherlock. Well, maybe "case" is the wrong word. More like "envelope."

**SALLY DONOVAN** Hi there. I also still exist

Anyway, turns out the explosion wasn't a gas leak after all, just made to look like one.

**LESTRADE** Don't worry. The envelope isn't booby trapped

**SHERLOCK **How reassuring *begins analysing enevelope and carefully opens it to find...*

A pink phone. Just like that one from two episodes ago

**SHERLOCK** Well, obviously it isn't the same one, how crazy would that be?

Meh, stranger things have happened. Like the entire police department reading John's blog for instance

**JOHN** Yeah, way to ease the tension

There's also a message on the phone- the Greenwich pips. This is where I start to feel sorry for an outside-of-Britain audience who wouldn't get the cultural reference. Or the non-original-book readers who wouldn't get the book reference. There's also a photo of a random empty room with a fireplace.

**SHERLOCK** It's a warning

Well, of course it is. Some pips and a fireplace. Definitely a warning.

**JOHN** What's going to happen?

**SHERLOCK** Boom!

And so the trio of awesome (Sherlock, John and Lestrade have now officially taken over the title from Merlin, Arthur and Morgana... Well, just about. The Doctor, Amy and Rory probably out-awesome them a bit...) return to 221...C? Where Mrs Hudson rambles. And there are shoes. And a very low ceiling, I notice.

**PHONE **I RING AT IRONIC TIMES!

**TRIO OF AWESOME** GAH!

**PERSON ON PHONE** Hello... Sexy

**SHERLOCK** No, this isn't the TARDIS, its Sherlock Holmes...

And what follows is exceptionally creepy and kind of difficult to make funny, so I'll summarise. There's a woman in a car strapped full of explosives and being forced to read out what someone else is typing to her and Sherlock and co. have 12 hours to solve a case relating to the shoes or she gets blown up. Also, Sherlock's apparently been expecting this for some time but that's the only reference we ever get to that at all. And I would like to point out that how come nobody in the car park near to the woman spots that she's strapped with explosives and does something about it.

Oh, and the person behind the whole thing is the same "M" that had the leader of the evil smugglers shot last episode. You can tell by the soundtrack and presence of a little red sniper dot.

**5. So it's off to St Barts to examine the shoes**

**CINEMATOGRAPHY **Yup. I'm still awesome.

**SHERLOCK **Pass me my phone

**JOHN **Where is it?

**SHERLOCK** Jacket pocket

**JOHN** Seriously. Now you're just giving the fangirls material on purpose.

**MYCROFT (via text) **Have you started investigating my case yet?

**SHERLOCK** Meh. I'm heartless and this is more interesting something about Mycroft having a dentist appointment anyway, my microscope/computer is bleeping.

**MOLLY** Hi there! I just thought I'd pop in to remind you that I still exist. Any luck?

**SHERLOCK** Yes, thanks. Bye

**MOLLY **Oh, and that whole thing where I have a crush on you. Well, this is my boyfriend Jim-from-IT...

**JIM-FROM-IT** Hi.

**MOLLY** I totally haven't got him as a boyfriend in a misguided attempt to make you jealous or anything... *shifty eyes* Oh, hi Sherlock's friend whose name I can't be bothered to remember

**JOHN** Gee, thanks

**SHERLOCK** Meh. Gay.

**MOLLY** o_O

**SHERLOCK** Nothing *shifty eyes*

**JIM-FROM-IT** *is clumsy*

**JOHN ***eyeroll*

**JIM-FROM-IT** Well this is awkward so I'll just leave... Oh, while I'm here I guess I should mention that I'm totally not Mo-

**SHERLOCK **Bye

**JIM-FROM-IT** *leaves*

**ATMOUSPHERE ***is awkward*

**SHERLOCK **... He is totally gay though

**JOHN** Oh lord...

**MOLLY** O_o

**SHERLOCK** He left me his number under this dish and everything

**MOLLY** ... *runs off*

...

**SHERLOCK** ... What did I say?

**JOHN'S INNER MONOLOGUE** GAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

**JOHN** ... Smooth

Sherlock doesn't seem to care though, he'd rather John get back to the actual plot from that totally pointless tangent and do some analysis of the shoes. I love how Sherlock keeps going "Excellent, what else?" and making John say more and when John's finally "Yeah, that's all I've got" Sherlock goes, "Well, that was brilliant except for the part where you missed everything of importance." Ah, Sherlock, your failure at social skills is simply unmatched.

**SHERLOCK** Oh my god eureka moment

**JOHN** Wow. That was quick

**SHERLOCK **These shoes totally belonged to a kid who went to a swimming competition and drowned. And I tried to investigate but I was a kid so no one took me seriously.

**JOHN** And why did you think it was suspicious?

**SHERLOCK** Because his shoes had disappeared... You know, that _does_ sound kind of weak when you really think about it but hey, now I know I was right because a mad bomber sent the shoes to me! Yay! In your faces stupid police sceptics!

And there are poignant shots of London and John and Sherlock in a taxi with the woman-strapped-to-a-bomb (who still hasn't been spotted and/or helped by anyone in the car park around her. Jerks) and the number of hours they have left to save her overlaid on top.

So it's back to 221B so Sherlock can look up everything about the Carl Powers case... Why he couldn't have just done that at the hospital I don't know. Meh, maybe someone else needed to use the lab or Molly went nuts and chased them out of there with a carving knife.

**JOHN** I want to help

**MYCROFT (via text)** HURRY THE HELL UP WITH ME CASE!

The slightly irritating part of this subplot is that the text alert on that phone sounds exactly like mine, so I keep going for my phone whenever John's goes off.

**SHERLOCK** If you really want to help, go keep my brother entertained (more cryptic references to Mycroft's dental appointment). Besides, it'll give you a nice shiny subplot to keep you happy.

**7. Mycroft's office. And John's all dressed for the occasion in a suit and everything **

MYCROFT Ow. Stupid dentist appointments making my jaw hurt

**JOHN** ... Right. So, yeah, Sherlock's investigating... Investigating away... Your case. Totally your case.

Liar.

**JOHN **So... The dead man

The dead man himself turns out to be kind of dull.

**MYCROFT** So, how's the investigation actually going?

**JOHN **Erm...

Poignant slo-mo shots tell us there are three hours left to go to solve the Carl Powers case.

**SHERLOCK** POISON!

**MRS HUDSON** Gah!

**JOHN** Gah!

**SHERLOCK** Someone poisoned his hand cream! To my website! I shall get the bombers attention and let him know I have cracked the case via cryptic blog posts!

**PHONE** Ring ring

Wow, blimey, that was quick. The murderer must be refreshing the page like crazy. Anyway, they've cracked the case so the police are finally allowed to come and get the woman... Whilst dressed as astronauts (yeah, I know they're bomb disposal people but... They look like astronauts!)

* * *

><p><strong>And with that here endeth Part One<strong> (hey, shorter parts means they get to you people quicker :) And I'm going to try and finish this over the week. Fingers crossed I make it. If not, my greatest apologies)

**Read and Review pleaseth. Tis good and nice and makes me a happy writer :)**


	7. The Great Game Part Two

Welcome to part two. I really, really am going to try and get this finished this week, because I'm off on a two week holiday on Saturday and I wouldn't want you to have to wait that long on my account after I'd already posted part one.

**SHERLOCK- Episode Three: The Great Game**

**(Part Two)**

**8. I am guessing its the next day, because Sherlock is all wrapped up in his coat again and doing that thing where he sort of rests his nose on his fingers.**

As in, the thing I have now picked up as a habit because of this show. Why does that even happen?

**LESTRADE** Aren't you interested in this woman's life story, Sherlock?

**SHERLOCK **Nah. Too busy being awesome

**LESTRADE **Then you wouldn't be interested in the fact that was forced by sniper ninjas to drive to the car park where everyone ignored her for 12 hours despite the fact that she was sobbing and decked in enough explosives to take down a house. Who does that? Seriously, London's car parks must be full of jerks?

**AUDIENCE** LESTRADE! WE LOVE YOU! WHERE WERE YOU AND YOUR AWESOMENESS LAST EPISODE?

**SHERLOCK** Elegant

**JOHN** o_O I really have no idea what you are on about sometimes, Sherlock

**LESTRADE** Don't even bother trying. Anyway, I think the real question is why would someone do this?

**SHERLOCK** Because they're bored?

Yes, Sherlock, because_ everyone_ goes psychopathic and shoots walls (in flashback overlay so-mo, apparently) or straps people to bombs when they're bored.

**EVERYONE WITH A BRAIN** We know who done it! And his name is totally M-

**PHONE** Y HALO THAR! *four pips*

**LESTRADE** Oh bloody hell, not again

A photo of a car has been delivered, and seconds later the car is reported as being abandoned

**LESTRADE** And the guy is apparently a psychic. That... sucks

**SALLY DONOVAN** Hello freak. Just to let you know I still hate you and you've got a phone call

**SHERLOCK** Don't worry, I still hate you too *answers phone* Hello?

And it's our mysterious bomber again, this time communicating through a man whose strapped to a load of bombs

**BOMBER (VIA SOBBING PERSON #2)** Police are stupid. You are clever and I totally have a creepy crush on you or something. Also, Carl Powers was a bastard and had it coming.

AND HE'S IN THE MIDDLE OF A BLOODY LONDON STREET! COME ON, PEOPLE! I know he's wearing and coat so the bomb is hidden apart from a few wires but HE'S STANDING IN THE MIDDLE OF A BUSY LONDON STREET READING FROM A PAGER INTO A PHONE AND SOBBING! HOW IS THAT NOT CONSPICOUS? WHY IS NOBODY NOTICING AND TRYING TO HELP? WHY DOES NO ONE CALL THE POLICE? (I mean, I know they'd probably be blown up for their trouble but the point still stands) IS LONDON REALLY FULL OF THIS MANY JERKS?

And this time Sherlock has 8 hours

**LESTRADE** And luckily my timing of talking about this abandoned car is perfect and we can go and find it right now!

**JOHN** Well, isn't that just shiny?

**9. Down to the docks, on the less-attractive side of town**

Here be abandoned cars. With the expensive leather seats all covered in blood that seems to belong to Ian Monkford, the bloke who hired the car. Lovely. Also, it's been raining.

Meanwhile, Sally is busy insulting Sherlock by talking to John about him

**SALLY **Opposites attract, I suppose

**JOHN** Good lord, does EVERYBODY ship us?

**SALLY** *shifty eyes*

**LESTRADE** *innocent whistle*

**ENTIRE POLICE FORCE** *shifty eyes*

**ENTIRETY OF LONDON** *innocent whistle*

**FANGIRLS** *giggle*

After finding a card of some kind in the glove compartment, Sherlock (John in tow) goes to talk to the wife. And now we have some extra-brilliant acting from Teh Cumberbatch which I'm going to gloss over or I'll be gushing about it all day.

**SHERLOCK** I'm a very old friend of your husband's and I;m very sad about his death. See, I'm crying and everything

**FANGIRLS **OMGHE'SCRYINGQUICKTAKEPICTURES!

**MRS MUNKFORD** *looks like my old drama teacher*

**JOHN** Why can't Sherlock tell me what's going on occasionally *facepalm*

**MRS MUNKFORD** Well, he never mentioned you

**SHERLOCK** I am hurt and insulted. Oh, Ian, wonderful Ian, happy Ian

**MRS MUNKFORD** But he was depressed!

**SHERLOCK** Why would he hire a car? Bit suspicious?

**MRS MUNKFORD** He forgot to renew the tax!

**SHERLOCK **Oh, well, that was Ian

**MRS MUNKFORD** Why do I get the feeling you're just making this up as you go along

**SHERLOCK** *snaps back to normal persona in about half a second flat and its brilliant* Because I am. Interesting. Bye.

**MRS MUNKFORD** WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?

**JOHN** I am both impressed and disappointed in you

**SHERLOCK** My powers of manipulation are unmatched. Right, we're off to Janus cars, as soon as I've wiped the crocodile tears from my eyes

**SALLY ***yells after John* Fishing! Try fishing!

**AUDIENCE** Whaaaaaaaat?

**THAT LINE** *Will never be explained*

**10. Convenient timer informs us that there are six hours to go**

Janus Cars is, predictably, run by a slimy bloke who goes out of his way to be as unhelpful as possible.

**SHERLOCK** I pretend to know nothing about cars for reasons that will only become clear later

**SLIMY BLOKE** *scratches arm*

**SHERLOCK** Hmm...

**JOHN **Excuse me, busy asking important questions here, lives at stake etc.

**SHERLOCK** Nice holiday?

**JOHN** *moar facepalm*

**SHERLOCK** Cigarette machine?

There are cigarette machines? Like, vending machines for cigarettes? I've never heard of them, and I'm British. Weird. Anyway, the whole thing is a ploy to take a look at slimy man's wallet anyway.

**SHERLOCK **You've been very helpful. Bye!

**JOHN **Erm, what was all that about?

**SHERLOCK** He's a slimy liar. Now, I have to analyse some blood

**JOHN** Nice...

And we get the shot from the opening credits of the droplet and the blood... At which point the pink phone rings again.

**BOMBER (VIA SOBBING PERSON #2 STILL-STANDING-IN-THE-MIDDLE-OF-FLIPPING-LONDON)** Here have a clue. Janus Cars = meaningful y/y?

**SHERLOCK** And you are giving me clues, why?

**BOMBER** We were made for each other *creepycreepy*

**SHERLOCK **Are you asking me out on a date?

**BOMBER** *hangs up*

**SHERLOCK** Right._ Now_ I'm worried.

**BLOOD** *fizz*

**SHERLOCK** Ooh! Yay! *happy smile that looks kind of evil and if I didn't have context I'd think he was the villain or something*

And I keep accidentally typing "Janus _Cats_" instead of "Janus Cars" wtf?

3 hours to go... And the car is now in a car park and surrounded by plastic. Meanwhile, Sherlock is busy doing his explaining thing. In short (and chronological order):

Ian Munkford wanted to get out of the country due to assumed financial trouble (yet another strike against the bankers)...

**MARK GATISS** We is topical, y/y?

... so he went to Janus Cars which helps people fake their deaths so he gave a pint of blood to Janus Cars which was frozen and then he went to Columbia and Janus Cars put abandoned the car and spread the blood all over the seats.

Seems a bit more trouble than its worth, to be honest.

And Sherlock knows this because slimy man had Columbian money in his pocket and had a tan line and was scratching from where he'd had injections to go abroad to help Munkford settle into his new life.

And Janus Cars = meaningful y/y because Janus was the god with two faces.

Also, the wife's in on it. Something about life insurance

**SHERLOCK** Now Lestrade can go do some arresting because that's his job

**JOHN **And what shall we do?

**SHERLOCK **How about walk badassly out of this car park with the light going out behind us? I AM ON FIRE! (not literally)

**JOHN AND SHERLOCK** *do so*

**LIGHTS** *go out badassly behind them*

**SCENE** *is badass*

...

...

...

**LESTRADE** Erm... guys? It's kind of dark and I need to get out of here too... Do you think you could turn the lights on? ... Please? ... Guys? ... Anyone?

**11. "Congratulations to Ian Monkford on his relocation to Columbia"**

This time the phone rings even quicker. Someone really is impatient. And now FINALLY the police come and get poor sod # 2 and rescue him from his being covered in blippin' explosives. And John and Sherlock smile at each other (though Sherlock's smiles are still a little bit creepy)

The next day (once again, assuming here. Its daylight and they're in a cafe and all).

**SHERLOCK **Feeling better?

**JOHN **Oh yeah, now I've got some lunch. Lunch is nice... I'm having a bad feeling that bloody running gag is gonna come back to haunt me in a minute now...

**SHERLOCK** ...

**JOHN** So, is this Moriarty?

**AUDIENCE** YES! YES! YES! YES! COMPLETELY UTTERLY YES! YES!

**SHERLOCK** Perhaps...

**AUDIENCE** *simultaneous facedesk*

**PHONE** Boo

**PHOTO** *random woman*

**SHERLOCK** But that could be anybody

**JOHN** Could be. Luckily for you, I've been more than a little unemployed

Apart from that whole subplot where you got a job and a pointless love interest last episode. Or are we ignoring that?

**JOHN** Daytime TV!

**SHERLOCK **What are you, a student?

**TV ***conveniently showing clips of the exact same woman*

**PHONE** *ring ring*

**POOR SOD #3** *is a blind old lady*

Which, once again, is a tad hard to make funny.

Luckily, there's a bloke with long hair and a pen sitting behind Sherlock who is sort of amusing because I want to know what the heck he's writing.

And there's 12 hours to solve this case

**TOTALLY MORIARTY (via PoorSod#3)** I like to watch you dance.

This is creepy.

**SHERLOCK **I agree with the mysterious review narrator *hangs up*

Anyway, turns out Daytime TV is called Connie Prince and she's dead.

**12. Which means let's go to the morgue!**

**LESTRADE **My trenchcoat and I also know about daytime TV.

**SHERLOCK** I don't

**LESTRADE** Connie Prince was going places

**SHERLOCK** Not any more

Oh Gatiss, I love your dark humour.

**SHERLOCK** Anyway, it was apparently tetanus due to cutting her hand on a rusty nail which means she can't have been getting her vaccinations. Also, that's far too simple and something else must have happened otherwise why would the bomber get involved?

**LESTRADE **I hate this bomber. A lot.

**SHERLOCK** I shall now examine the body via lots of close ups

**EDITING** *is awesome*

**JOHN** I useth my mad doctor skillz to deduce that the cut on her hand was made after she was dead

**SHERLOCK** Awesome. Now go round to her house and interview her brother

**LESTRADE** Can someone tell me what in the name of Merlin's Y-fronts is going on?

**SHERLOCK** Something new

...

**LESTRADE** DAMN YOU AND YOUR CRYPTICNESS!

8 hours to go. They're taking their sweet time with this case

**SHERLOCK **There has to be a connection!

**DIRK GENTLEY** So I tell everyone, but do they listen? Nooooo...

**SHERLOCK** Oi! Back to BBC4 with you! What the heck is this bomber doing, showing off?

**LESTRADE** Well, if he's anything like you I'd say that's a y-

**PHONE ***ringing*

**BOMBER (via PoorSod#3)** Enjoying yourself, are you? I'm shortening your time to three hours, biatch!

**13. At Connie Prince's house, John finds himself interviewing her brother-**

- Who couldn't be more camp and/or suspicious if he tried. There's also the houseboy, Raoul, who seems to be trying his best to be creepy.

**JOHN** I'm totally a journalist. Like, completely, utterly, totally a journalist. Not a detective's blogger/sidekick or anything... I don't like this house. It's full of creepiness. And what's with the furless cat?

**JOHN SESSIONS IN A SILK SHIRT** *continues being creepy and suspicious... and makes cryptic pretentious references*

**JOHN** ... help?

Meanwhile, Mrs Hudson has joined Sherlock and Lestrade in as honorary member of the trio of awesome whilst John is elsewhere. Sherlock is on the phone too... somebody, meaning Lestrade is stuck listening to Mrs Hudson

**MRS HUDSON** Its a real shame. I liked her. She showed you how to do your colours *ramblerambleramble*

**LESTRADE** ... help?

**SHERLOCK** *loud phone conversation in background*

**LESTRADE **o_O

**SHERLOCK** Meh. Home Secretary owes me a favour

**MRS HUSDON** Kids these days have too much surgery *ramblerambleramble*

**SHERLOCK** Fansites = gossip

**FANGIRLS** ... O_o

There are fansites for a random daytime TV makeover show? The internet is a weird place. And the students must really be bored.

Sherlock and co. watch a snippet of the show which serves to put the brother in an even more suspicious light.

Meanwhile:

**JOHN** I use my mad doctor skillz... and trivia

**KENNY PRINCE** (I think that's his name. I went and looked it up in the credits... also, I didn't know how to spell Raoul) *continues being epically creepy* I don't know what I'm going to do now

**JOHN** ... Oh. You know, I really suspect you now. And why does your cat smell like disinfectant?

Back at 221B, Sherlock gets another call

**SHERLOCK** John?

**JOHN **PLEASE COME AND HELP ME THIS PLACE IS CREEPY AND JOHN SESSIONS IN A PURPLE SHIRT IS FLIRTING WITH ME HEEEEEELLLLLP!

And one cut later...

**SHERLOCK** I'm totally a photographer. Not a detective or anything. SAY CHEESE!

**KENNY PRINCE** GAH!

**SHERLOCK** Lovely :)

**CAT** Meow!

**SHERLOCK **Oh, who's this?

**KENNY PRINCE** Sekmet. Like the Egyptian goddess

**SHERLOCK** *totally unconvincingly* Oh, how nice. Seriously, why get a cat with no fur? It's like you get a cat and take away everything that makes it lovely and adorable and make it seem even more snooty than cats already are

**KENNY PRINCE** What is wrong with you people?

**JOHN **Actually, we've got what we came for. Come on Sherlock

**KENNY PRINCE** O_o

Outside, Sherlock and John indulge in a bit of a giggle fit

**JOHN** I'm awesome! I solved it! Go me!

**SHERLOCK** It wasn't the cat

**JOHN** What? But it smells of disinfectant!

**SHERLOCK** Too random and too clever for the brother

**JOHN **So you're saying it wasn't him despite his having a motive and being generally suspicious and creepy?

**SHERLOCK** Nope. The brother doesn't factor into it (except for the part where he's totally the motive or something. I'm going to keep it annoyingly vague and confusing) It was the housekeeper Raoul. Hope we can get a cab from here...

**JOHN** ... GAAAAAAAH!

Well, that was random and sort of anticlimactic. Which brings us to the end of part two.

**NEXT TIME**

We wrap this all up. A missing painting. Who stole the Bruce Partington plans and, of course, that bloody final scene. Oh, that final scene. Because Moffat and Gatiss are both evil geniuses.

And we love them for it :)


	8. The Great Game Part Three

We all know what's coming...

**SHERLOCK- Episode Three: The Great Game**

**(Part Three)**

**14. Up at teh police station... Now Sherlock's got a folder. Okay**

**SHERLOCK** Connie Prince was killed with the same poison that killed Carl Powers CONNECTIONS OMG!

**DIRK GENTLEY** Told you so

**SHERLOCK **Away with you!

**LESTRADE** I take it this is the part where you explain it all

**SHERLOCK **Botox

**JOHN** Why couldn't it have been the cat? Can't I have solved the case? For once? Please? Also, if it was that irritatingly simple why can't you have solved it earlier and saved that old woman?

**SHERLOCK **Contrary to what you might think, my waiting was actually plot relevant and means we're now one up on the bomber

**JOHN **... Are you going to explain how exactly?

**SHERLOCK** Nope

**JOHN** Why do I bother?

**SHERLOCK **Anyway, I'm saving her now. And I really can't be bothered to be cryptic with my answer to this one *blogpost*

Also, for some reason we hear the woman's voice before the phone rings... Okay then.

**SHERLOCK **Hi there, old woman, we are now going to save you

**WOMAN** Help me...

**SHERLOCK **Where are you?

**WOMAN** His voice... So Irish...

**SHERLOCK **What? Wait... Oh snap

**EXPLOSION** *occurs*

**15. And it's sad and it blew up a whole building and I'M TRYING MY BEST HERE!**

**SERIOUS SCENE** *occurs*

**ANGRY!JOHN** *is angry*

I physically cannot make this funny.

**TV ***is stupid and thinks it's a gas explosion*

**SHERLOCK** *muses about bomber*

**AUDIENCE** Why not just call him Mo-

**JOHN **So he arranged this murder?

**SHERLOCK **Yes. Unfortunately that thing I said earlier about being one up on the killer has gone nowhere as I cannot figure out who killed Carl Powers, ergo, who the bomber is.

**JOHN** Well, whoever he is, I hope you'll be very happy together

**SHERLOCK** So now you're shipping me and the bomber? Right...

I think the bomber ships Sherlock and the bomber too

**ANGRY!JOHN** *continues to be angry. Only more shouty this time*

**SHERLOCK** Grr

**PHONE **Shall I innturupt this awkward conversation?

**SHERLOCK** YES PLEASE! Hang on; I'm going to have to emotionally manipulate you into helping me

**JOHN ***sigh*

**SHERLOCK** TO THE THAMES!

**16. At the Thames, where tis muddy and there are tides and stuff. Oh, and a body**

**LESTRADE** I'm starting to get tired of this bomber person. Who has he wired up this time?

**SHERLOCK** No idea. So, this body. Seven ideas so far

**LESTRADE** ... Seven?

**SHERLOCK** Magnifying glass time! *inspects body*

**JOHN** Mad doctor skillz! He was asphyxiated about 24 hours ago

**SHERLOCK** That lost Vermeer painting that was briefly spotted on TV right at the beginning of the episode is a fake

**LESTRADE, JOHN AND THE WHOLE OF LONDON** And you worked that out how?

**SHERLOCK** Simple it was on the TV earlier in the episode, a clear case of foreshadowing, it should have been easy to guess. Especially on a second viewing ;) Also, he was killed by an assassin called the Golem

**JOHN** ...

**ME** *avoids obvious joke*

...

... What?

**LESTRADE** Why must you be so frustrating, Sherlock?

**SHERLOCK** Why are you so ignorant?

**LESTRADE** ... None of your smart answers, you think you're so clever. Well I'm Lestrade-

**LESTRADE OF THE YARD**

LESTRADE? CONSTERNATION! UPROAR!

**LESTRADE **Yes.

(The above joke is totally not an apology for not having used it in the previous episode's review where it would have been much more appropriate... *shifty eyes*)

**JOHN** Alright, girls, play nicely

**A MILLION SHERLOCK/LESTRADE AND/OR OT3 FICS** *spontaneously come into being*

**SHERLOCK **I shall now explain to you *does so*

**SOUNDTRACK** PAY ATTENTION TO THE AWESOMENESS OF HIS EXPLAINING!

**JOHN** Fantastic

**NINTH DOCTOR** Oi! Don't you steal my catchphrase!

**JOHN **... Poor sod

**SHERLOCK** Now to find the Golem, because I'm the only man who can, because I'm awesome

**LESTRADE** *facepalm*

**SHERLOCK** And better insert some more references to the original books while I'm at it

This reference turns out to be to the Baker Street Irregulars via hiring a homeless woman to go do something for him and also make John jump over some fences

**JOHN** Why must you have such long legs?

John goes to find out some more about the gallery attendant whilst Sherlock goes to the gallery itself. It seems Alex Woodbridge (the guy who was killed) was interested in stargazing.

**ALEX'S FLATMATE** It was all he ever did in his spare time

And yet he was apparently a night security guard so when did he have free time at home at night to actually gaze at the stars? I'll try not to think about it too much or my head will hurt

**JOHN** I have the feeling this hobby will be an important plot point

**ALEX'S FLATMATE** Well, this scene would be pointless if it wasn't. We did have a break in but nothing was taken and there was a voicemail from some professor saying that Alex was right about something. Probably nothing.

**JOHN** Hm...

**MYCROFT (via text)** If I didn't know better I'd think you were investigating someone else's case instead of MY VERY IMPORTANT ONE! NOW GET YOUR ARSE INTO GEAR!

**17. The Hickman gallery and its staff of one woman in a weird-shouldered dress**

I hate art galleries like this. As in 'huge white room full of nothing except one tiny painting.' What is the point?

**WOMAN IN WEIRD SHOULDERED DRESS** Can I help you? Btw I has accent

**SHERLOCK** I is dressed as a security guard

**FANGIRLS** OMGHE'SINAUNIFORMQUICKTAKEPICTURES!

Where the hell did he get that uniform from anyway?

**SHERLOCK** The painting's a fake, good Miss Wenceslas (looked down on the feast of Steven Moffat etc.)

**MISS WENCESLAS** Disturbed now

**SHERLOCK** Did you send the Golem to assassinate Alex Woodbridge

**MISS WENCESLAS** Very disturbed now. Go away or I'll sack you

**SHERLOCK **Don't work here. HA! GOT YA THERE! Have a nice day! *hopskips out the door*

**MISS WENCESLAS** ... What just happened?

**FANGIRLS** *drool*

**18. Meanwhile, over at Mycroft's case which I'm pretty sure a whole lot of people may have forgotten about...**

John is talking to the fiancé of the man who got his head smashed in by a train. Lovely.

**JOHN** Why do I suddenly feel like I've jumped into a whole different episode?

**AUDIENCE** You're telling us

**FIANCE** *tearfully explains what happened* And he said he had to go and see someone

**JOHN **And you don't know who?

**FIANCE** No

**JOHN** Right... Well, I learned so much in this scene

**AUDIENCE **You're telling us

**BLOKE ON A BIKE** *turns up*

**FIANCE** Oh, by the way, this is my brother, Joe

Oh, I bet he's totally not important.

**EPIC!JOHN** *epic-struts away like the badass he is*

Later that night outside 221B

**HOMELESS WOMAN** Change? Ya got change?

**SHERLOCK **Evening

**HOMELESS WOMAN** Baker Street Irregulars ftw

SHERLOCK To the Vauxhall Arches!

Which the Golem hangs out and the only place in London where the stars are beautifully clear and visible in all their computer generated glory despite the clouds of pollution that generally cover large cities such as London. Just saying.

**JOHN** Just so you know, I did find out something plot relevant

**SHERLOCK** Of course you did, otherwise those scenes wouldn't have been included

**JOHN** I have a torch, by the way. No idea where it came from or why I thought to bring one even though I had no idea I'd be coming here today but, hey, I have one anyway

**SHERLOCK** Me too. Yay!

**GOLEM** *ominously gets up in silhouette*

**JOHN **This is where I start wishing I had my-

**SHERLOCK** Gun?

**JOHN** Thanks

**GOLEM** *running!*

And they lose him. Well, he does have rather long legs. And a car.

**JOHN** This is where I think my plot-relevant info from those earlier scenes may come in handy... To the planetarium!

In the planetarium...

**PETER DAVISON VOCAL CAMEO** Blah blah planets planets ramble planets ramble blah

**PROFFESSOR CAIRNES** (I seriously have no idea how I'm spelling that) Yeah yeah yeah, rewind rewind rewind

**GOLEM** Well, however you spell it, she's dead now

**PROFFESSOR CAIRNES** *dies and is ded*

**SOUNDTRACK FOR THIS SCENE** *guest composed by The Master*

**PETER DAVISON VOCAL CAMEO** I'm still here!

**SOUNDTRACK FROM HERE ON** *is completely messed up and hurts my ears*

**LIGHTS** *flashing*

**SHERLOCK **You go round and try and find him, John! I'll just stand here... With the lights flashing on and off... This can't go wrong any way whatsoever

**GOLEM** Behind you!

**SHERLOCK** DAMMIT NOT AGAIN! *is strangulated. Again*

The Golem is even taller than Benedict Cumberbatch, blimey on the ritz cracker.

**MARTIN FREEMAN** *pulls a gun on the Golem*

...

*innocent whistle*

**JOHN** *is badass*

**FIGHT ***ensues*

**LIGHTS AND SOUNDTRACK** *make the entire thing really confusing*

**GOLEM** *manages to escape*

**SHERLOCK** Well that was pointless and irritating.

**AUDIENCE **OUR EYES ARE BLEEDING! OUR EARS ARE IN PAIN!

**19. The gallery the next day**

**LESTRADE** I hope you two had fun without me yesterday

**JOHN** Oh believe me. We did. Plenty.

**SHERLOCK **FAKE FAKE FAKE FAKE FAKE FAKE FAKE etc.

**MISS WENCESLAS** *frustrating spluttering*

**SHERLOCK **Oi. Who said you could join our trio of awesome woman-with-weird-shouldered-dress?

**MISS WENCESLAS** Well, this is a waste of time

**PHONE** Would this be a good time to chip in

**SHERLOCK** Bloody finally. The painting is a fake, mister bomber, now hurry up and say I've won already

**BOMBER (via STEVEN MOFFAT'S SON VOCAL CAMEO) Ten** seconds to tell me why its a fake or explosions tiems

**BOMBER** God, I'm so evil :D

**JOHN** Quick, Sherlock! Put together all the plot relevant information from those seemingly pointless and random scenes in the quickest deduction of your life!

**SHERLOCK** *O-face*

**JOHN** What? What?

**SHERLOCK **There's a star there that wasn't discovered until after this painting was apparently made!

... You know, you could always take artistic licence into account but, hey.

**LESTRADE **Thank god that was the slowest ten-second countdown ever

**MYCROFT (via text)** I DON'T CARE HOW MANY SMALL CHILDREN HAVE BEEN STRAPPED TO BOMBS BY SOCIOPATHS. MY PATIENCE IS WEARING THIN.

**MISS WENCESLAS** ... Well shit.

Later on, in the room of confessions:

**SHERLOCK** Are you behind all of this, Miss Wenceslas?

**MISS WENCESLAS** Well, no. Otherwise it would be the biggest let down ever. I was just in it for the money, I didn't know anything about any mad bombers. I just had this bloke make a fake painting and then get another bloke to help me convince everyone it was real... I didn't know his name or anything...

**SHERLOCK** *slowly getting more and more interested*

**LESTRADE** I think we can all guess his name by now

**SHERLOCK **And you totally did know his name because his name is totally...

**MISS WENCESLAS** ... Moriarty

**AUDIENCE** Well finally. Hallelujah

**SOUNDTRACK** BOW BEFORE THE SIGNIFICANCE OF THIS MOMENT!

**SHERLOCK** *innersquee*

**20. But there are further subplots to be resolved before we can discover who Moriarty is and the end of this case. Namely Mycroft's wearing-thin patience and a bloke named after a type of Terrier**

**TRAIN GUY** *waxes philosophical about people committing suicide via train and how the drivers have to live with it*

Why do I get the feeling that someone is trying to make a point here?

**JOHN** Well that's all well and good but there isn't actually any blood on the line

**TRAIN GUY** ... Oh

**JOHN **Wow, I don't even have to be a doctor to know that getting your head smashed in and there being no blood is pretty much impossible. Well, isn't this suspicious *narrates to himself*

**SHERLOCK** *appears out of nowhere*You didn't think I'd give up on a case like this just to spite my brother, did you?

**JOHN** Well, actually I did but-

**SHERLOCK **BURGLARY TIME!

**JOHN** Fine. So long as you let me in with you this time.

So they break into this random house by methods unclear and snoop around. Oh, and didn't I mention it belongs to Joe, the brother of Westie's fiancé who we saw that one time for a few seconds, who also happened to steal the memory stick and kill Westie. And isn't good at cleaning blood off his windowsill. And arrives at just the right moment for our protagonists to ask him why he did it.

**JOHN ***goes to confront Joe*

**JOE **Crap! People who know what I've done! I keel you with my bicycle of doom!

**JOHN** Gun

**JOE** Or maybe not

MOAR CONFESSIONS TIEMS!

**JOE** It was an accident. I accidentally pushed him down the stairs. Because I stole the plans because I wanted to pay back drug debts because drugs are bad and stuff and this never would have happened if Westie hadn't got drunk and blabbed about the plans so I guess drinking is bad too

**JOHN** Wow. This is like all the morals of the modern world packed into one

**JOE **And then I shoved him on top of a train so it would take the body somewhere else but he must have rolled off the train and that's the answer to that mystery. Oh, and here's the memory stick for your trouble. Stupid memory stick.

**JOHN **Well, that was sort of simple

**SHERLOCK** Well yes. Except that there's still around ten-ish minutes to go and still one more mystery from the bomber

**JOHN** Why do I get the feeling you're not telling me everything

**SHERLOCK** ... *shifty eyes*

**21. Never let Sherlock watch crap telly**

Actually, make that_ let_ Sherlock watch bad television just so we can see his reaction. Because it is priceless. Also, I love that he's all huddled up in his coat and scarf still with his knees hugged to his chest. Can this guy get more adorable

**JOHN ***sigh* Blogging. You given Mycroft the memory stick yet?

**SHERLOCK** Yes *shifty eyes*

**JOHN** Why don't I trust you?

Then some bickering with a call back to the start of the episode ensues

**JOHN** Right, I'm off to Sarah's

**SHERLOCK** *sigh* Her again. Oh well. Better get you out of the way so I can wrap up the last ten minutes of this episode in peace

**JOHN** Lovely. Bye. *leaves* Well, hope he has an eventful evening because I probably won't. *grumble* sofa *grumble*

**STICK OF IRONY** Heh heh heh...

**SHERLOCK** Ah, peace and quiet. Now, how best to bring this entire thing round to the very start of this whole mystery in a poignant way... Ah, I know!

**22. THAT. BLOODY. SWIMMING. POOL.**

**CINEMATOGRAPHY **I'm still here and pretty :)

**EDITING** Oi. I'm helping.

**TONE** *is creepy*

**SHERLOCK **Hi there person who is totally Moriarty! So, that whole subplot thing turned out to be relevant to the entire plot after all and not just a way of filling the time between your calls. If you want this memory stick, come out and get it

**MARK GATISS** I am truly a genius of writing

**SHERLOCK** Because it was all to distract me from this memory stick. You overestimate my brother's patience. You should see John's text inbox.

**MORIARTY **Oh believe me. I have

**SHERLOCK** Wha-

**JOHN** *emerges* Evening

**SHERLOCK **John?

**JOHN** Bet you never saw this coming

**SHERLOCK** No kidding

**AUDIENCE** HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE! ... No, seriously, how is this possible?

**MARK GATISS** Don't worry, I'm not twisting the laws of reality _that_ much. Not this time, anyway

**STEVEN MOFFAT** *evil snigger*

**JOHN** *is strapped to a bomb*

**SHERLOCK** This is seriously mindscrewing me

**JOHN **You're telling me

**AUDIENCE **You're telling _us_

**SHERLOCK **Who are you?

**MORIARTY **Oh fine. You're so impatient! *emerges and is Jim-from-IT, Molly's gay boyfriend from earlier... And is now Irish. And incredibly creepy* I gave you my number. Thought you might call.

(and because I have to mention this line or my friend Imtotallynormal will kill me)

**MORIARTY** Is that a British Army Browning L9A1 in your pocket, or are you just pleased to see me?

**BADASS!SHERLOCK** Both *is badass with a gun*

**MORIARTY** Jim Moriarty. Hi

DAMMIT, stop being so creepy, Moriarty. You're like the sadistic lovechild of The Master and the Joker. Only Irish.

**MORIARTY **Jim? Jim from the hospital? Did I really make such a fleeting impression?

**SHERLOCK** Well, you were only on screen for about a minute. Without the accent. And you've grown your hair. And you did say you totally weren't-

**MORIARTY** Hm, gun verses sniper rifle + bomb. I'm not sure you're going to win that one. So, I'm like you, only on the bad side, isn't that awesome? And no one ever gets to me because I don't get my hands dirty

**JOHN** Hi. I'm still here. Looking sad and adorable

DAMMIT JOHN! YOU NEED A HUG!

**MORIARTY** Whatever. So, warning. Back off. Even if I did enjoy this little game, playing Jim-from-IT-

**SHERLOCK** Yes, for about a minute-

**MORIARTY **Playing gay-

**SHERLOCK **Yes, and the point of that was, again?

**MORIARTY** Dunno. I still _might_ have a creepy, one-sided crush on you though that the fangirls are sure to exploit...

**SHERLOCK** People have died.

**MORIARTY** Wow, Sherlock, never knew you cared. _That's what people DO_!

**EVERYONE** SCARED NOW! *hide behind the sofa*

**SHERLOCK** I _will_ stop you.

**JOHN** Still here

**SHERLOCK **You alright?

**JOHN** Yes. Apart from the bit where I'm strapped to a bomb with a rifle aimed at me and in the company of a deranged and really creepy criminal mastermind

**SHERLOCK** So... Random subplot, memory stick, was actually relevant the whole time. Here, have it

**MORIARTY** Oh, right, those... Boring! *throws it in swimming pool* Ha! It wasn't relevant at all. Could have got that any time I wanted. Got ya there!

**SHERLOCK **... Damn

**JOHN** *grabs Moriarty* Run for it Sherlock!

**SNIPERS** We don't think so

**JOHN** Damn. That plan didn't work then

Why are all the sniper dots in this place accompanied by weird buzzing on the soundtrack?

**SNIPERS** Search us

**MORIARTY** Meh. I don't really want to kill you anyway. Would rather wait for another time. Next series, perhaps. Just to mindscrew you. But if you don't stop prying... I'll burn you. I'll burn the_ heart_ out of you

**EVERYONE** Still scared *wibble*

**SHERLOCK** I've been reliably informed that I don't have one

**FANGIRLS **Nooooo! His heart is John Watson!

**MORIARTY** Who am I to argue with the fangirls? Well, I'd better be off then

**SHERLOCK **Or I could shoot you

**MORIARTY** Except for the part where you won't. Partly because my snipers would shoot you to pieces straight away and mostly because you have as much fun dancing for me as I do watching you. But in the meantime, have an amusing face :O

**LIVEJOURNAL USERS** ICON TIEMS!

**MORIARTY** Ciao, Sherlock Holmes *leaves*

**SHERLOCK** Catch. You. Later.

**MORIARTY ***singsong* No you won't!

**EVERYONE **So creepy *shudder*

...

**SHERLOCK** *rips John's clothes off in a darkened swimming pool* Are you alright?

**JOHN** Apart from the bit where I may well be traumatised for life? Yeah, I'm fine.

Why not throw the bomb_ in_ the swimming pool? Where it shouldn't detonate and be a lot harder to target in order to detonate it. No? Well, I guess chucking it out across the floor will have to do.

**JOHN** *stumbles and falls over* Yup. Traumatised.

**AWKWARD POST-TRAUMATIC CONVERSATION** *ensues. And is adorable*

**AUDIENCE** Aw, so adorable.

**JOHN** Oh well, I'm glad no one saw that

**SHERLOCK** Hm?

**JOHN** You ripping my clothes off in a darkened swimming pool. People might talk

**SHERLOCK** _Might_? Have you _seen_ the fanfiction?

**JOHN** *giggle*

**SHERLOCK** *giggle*

**SNIPERS **TWO MINUTES LEFT TILL END CREDITS BITCHES!

**JOHN** What?

**SHERLOCK** _What_?

**AUDIENCE** _WHAT_?

**MORIARTY **Me again. I do love mindscrewing with you! You can't be allowed to continue. You just can't. I would try to convince you but everything I have to say has already crossed your mind.

**AUDIENCE** SERIOUSLY! WHAT IS GOING ON?

**SHERLOCK ***shares poignant look with John*

**JOHN** *nods*

**SHERLOCK** Probably my answer has crossed yours *points gun at Moriarty. Badassly*

**AUDIENCE **MOFFAT? GATISS? SOMEONE?

**SHERLOCK** *points gun at bomb-jacket*

**AUDIENCE ***shake fists to sky* BARROWMAAAAAAAN!

**SOUNDTRACK** KNEEL BEFORE ME!

**IMPRESSED/CURIOUS!MORIARTY** *is impressed/curious*

**AUDIENCE** OUR BRAINS HURT!

**JOHN** Ohlordohlordohlordohlord

**MORIARTY'S FACE** Bring it

**SHERLOCK'S FACE** Don't think I won't

**BLACKOUT**

**CREDITS** *roll*

What? Sorry? What?

**CREDITS** *continue to roll*

...

GAAAAAA...

_Technical difficulties. Please wait._

...

MOFFAAAAAAAAAT!

YOU EVIL BLOODY GENIUS BASTARD!

I DEMAND AN EXPLANATION FOR THIS MASTERPIECE OF FRUSTRATION AND MINDSCREW AND PERFECTION AND CLIFFHANGER!

AND IT. HAD. BETTER. BE. GOOD.

...

**FIN**

**Until next series ;) Which shall hopefully be just as equally awesome and brilliant (and full of Benedict Cumberbatch and his amazing cheekbones... And also slashiness) as this first series. In the meantime thank you every so much for reading and reviewing, you are all lovely people. Byeeeeeeee! :D**


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